Information
| Year: | 2006 |
| Rating: | 6.7(77288) |
| Listed in: | Comedy, Drama, Fantasy |
| Directed by: | Frank Coraci |
| Actors: | Adam Sandler Christopher Walken David Hasselhoff Henry Winkler Kate Beckinsale Julie Kavner |
| "What If You Had A Universal Remote... That Controlled Your Universe?" | |
Cast
| Directed by | |
|---|---|
| Frank Coraci | |
| Actors | |
| Adam Sandler | as Michael Newman |
| Christopher Walken | as Morty |
| David Hasselhoff | as Ammer |
| Henry Winkler | as Ted |
| Sean Astin | as Bill |
| Joseph Castanon | as Ben Newman at 7 Years Old |
| Jonah Hill | as Ben Newman at 17 Years Old |
| Jake Hoffman | as Ben Newman at 22-30 Years Old |
| Cameron Monaghan | as Kevin O'Doyle |
| Nick Swardson | as Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy |
| Sidney Ganis | as Dr. Bergman |
| Michael Yama | as Watsuhita Head Executive |
| Mio Takada | as Watsuhita Executive |
| Eiji Inoue | as Watsuhita Executive |
| Toshi Toda | as Watsuhita Executive |
| George K. Eguchi | as Ancient Executive |
| Frank Coraci | as Male Nurse |
| Tim Herlihy | as Doctor |
| Emilio Cast | as Michael at 10 Years Old |
| Willy Goldstein | as Lakeside Camp Boy |
| Elliott Cho | as Ping Woo |
| Alan Au | as Ping Woo's Father |
| Ryan Keiser | as Firecracker Teen |
| Christopher Gutierrez | as Firecracker Teen |
| Robert Jones | as Firecracker Teen |
| Manish Goyal | as Habeeboo Entourage |
| Marco Khan | as Habeeboo Entourage |
| Ahmad Jordan | as Habeeboo Entourage |
| Nick Hodaly | as Habeeboo Entourage |
| Alireza Tanbakoochi | as Habeeboo Entourage |
| John Pagano | as Band Leader |
| Terry Crews | as Singing Guy in Car |
| Freddie DeGrate | as Segue Guy |
| Howard Fong | as Ping Woo's Grandfather |
| Dalon Huntington | as Vendor |
| James Earl Jones | as Narrator of Michael's Past |
| Hogan Louie | as Lakeside Camp Football Player |
| Mark Mahoney | as Waiter |
| Shane Ralston | as Parking Attendant |
| Jason Sandler | as Best Man |
| Rob Schneider | as Prince Habeeboo |
| Billy Slaughter | as Newman Employee |
| Actresses | |
| Kate Beckinsale | as Donna Newman |
| Julie Kavner | as Trudy |
| Tatum McCann | as Samantha at 5 Years Old |
| Lorraine Nicholson | as Samantha at 14 Years Old |
| Katie Cassidy | as Samantha at 27 Years Old |
| Jennifer Coolidge | as Janine |
| Rachel Dratch | as Alice/Alan |
| Sophie Monk | as Stacy |
| Michelle Lombardo | as Linda |
| Jana Kramer | as Julie |
| Katheryn Cain | as Kirsten |
| Ireesha | as Jogger |
| Lily Mo Sheen | as Lakeside Camp Girl |
| Carolyn Hennesy | as Kathy O'Doyle |
| Elena Patten | as Samantha's Friend |
| Cheyenne Alexis Dean | as Samantha's Friend |
| Nickole Reyes | as Firecracker Teen |
| Brianna Davis | as Firecracker Teen |
| Jenae Altschwager | as Judy |
| Dolores O'Riordan | as Singer |
| Sally Insul | as Aunt Peggy |
| Theresa Barrera | as Susie |
| Abra Chouinard | as Hot Employee |
| Elizabeth DeCicco | as Hot Assistant |
| Betsy Hammer | as Singer |
| Jen Johnson | as Bikini Girl |
| Traycee King | as Bar Patron |
| Lowe Taylor | as Young Mother |
| Celeste Thorson | as Punk Chic |
| Svetlana Titova | as Wedding Guest |
| C. Michelle Woods | as Ex-Girlfriend |
Movie info
| Languages: | English, Portuguese, Japanese |
| Filming dates: | 6 July 2005 - ? |
| Budget: | USD 70,000,000 |
| Gross: |
USA - 87,627,835 USD (2 July 2006) UK - 7,873,855 GBP (19 November 2006) Brazil - 9,886,422 BRL (3 September 2006) Netherlands - 184,564 EUR (22 October 2006) |
| Plot: | Michael Newman seems to have a perfect life- a beautiful wife, two small children, and a job with great potential. But as his jerky boss passes Michael up for promotion after promotion, Michael becomes fed up, and wishes he could find a way to just, oh, skip through the hard parts in life. He gets exactly that -and much, much more- when he stumbles upon the Beyond section of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond in search of a universal remote. But as it turns out, the remote controls, well, the entire universe! At first this seems a blessing, but as the remote begins to program itself Michael finds his life skipping by, sometimes a few months, sometimes years. Will he be able to get his life back before its entirely gone? |
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Original Soundtracks
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"Magic" (1984) Written by Ric Ocasek Performed by The Cars Courtesy of Elektra Entertainment Group By Arrangement with Warner Music Group Film & TV Licensing "Do It Again" (1984) Written by Ray Davies Performed by The Kinks Courtesy of Koch Records "Come Out and Play" (1994) Written by The Offspring "Cool" (2004) Written by Dallas Austin and Gwen Stefani Performed by Gwen Stefani Courtesy of Interscope Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Everybody" (2006) Written and Performed by Ric Ocasek Courtesy of Metro Tube Productions Limited "I Feel the Earth Move" (1971) Written by Carole King Produced by Sherwin Charles Performed by Stephanie Crews "22 Days" (2003) Written by Martin Trimble and Glen Bartup Performed by 22-20s Courtesy of Astralwerks Under license from EMI Film & Television Music "Be Anything (But Be Mine)" (1952) Written by Irving Gordon Produced by Brooks Arthur "Sequence Groove" Written by Sean Spuehler Performed by E.S.P. (as ESP) Courtesy of Riptide Music Inc. "Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker)" (1975) Written by George Clinton (as George Clinton, Jr.), Bootsy Collins (as William Earl Collins) and Jerome Brailey "Match Game Theme" (1973) Written by Robert Israel (as Robert Arnold Israel) "Price Is Right Theme" (1972) Written by Robert Israel (as Robert Arnold Israel) "Theme from S.W.A.T." (1975) Written by Barry De Vorzon (as Barry DeVorzon) Performed by Rhythm Heritage Courtesy of Geffen Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Yakety Sax" (1963) Written by James Rich and Boots Randolph Performed by Boots Randolph Courtesy of Tree Productions "Family Feud Theme" (1976) Written by Robert Israel (as Robert Arnold Israel) "$25,000 Pyramid Theme" (1982) Written by Bob Cobert (as Robert Cobert) Courtesy of Sony Pictures Television, Inc. "Mr. Fuzzy Gets Up" Written by Haim Tzinovich (as Haim Zinowitch) and Tomer Biran (as Tommer Biran) Performed by Zino & Tommy Courtesy of Lovecat Music By Arrangement with Ocean Park Music Group "So Nice (Summer Samba)" (1965) Written by Marcos Valle , Paulo Sérgio Valle and Norman Gimbel Performed by Walter Wanderley Courtesy of The Verve Music Group Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Show Me the Way" (1976) Written and Performed by Peter Frampton Courtesy of A&M Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Love Will Keep Us Together" (1973) Written by Neil Sedaka and Howard Greenfield Performed by Captain & Tenille Courtesy of A&M Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Hold the Line" (1978) Written by David Paich Performed by Toto Courtesy of Columbia Records By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music Entertainment "20th Century Boy" (1973) Written by Marc Bolan Performed by T-Rex (as T Rex) Courtesy of Wizard (Bahamas) Ltd. By Arrangement with Warner Music Group Film & TV Licensing and Courtesy of Demon Music Group Under license from Wizard (Bahamas) Ltd. "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" (1985) Written by Ian Stanley , Roland Orzabal, and Chris Hughes Performed by Tears for Fears Courtesy of Mercury Records Limited Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Love Hurts" (1960) Written by Boudleaux Bryant Performed by Nazareth Courtesy of A&M Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "More More More" (1976) Written by Gregg Diamond Performed by Andrea True Connection Courtesy of Buddah Records By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music Entertainment "Working for the Weekend" (1981) Written by Paul Dean , Matt Frenette (as Matthew Frenette) and Mike Reno (as Michael Reno) Performed by Loverboy Courtesy of Epic Records/Sony BMG Music Entertainment (Canada) By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music Entertainment "I Love You" (1982) Written by Lee Bernstein "Home 3" Written by Christophe Beck Courtesy of Paramount Pictures Corporation "With Plenty of Money and You" (1936) Music by Harry Warren Lyrics by Al Dubin Performed by Count Basie & Tony Bennett Courtesy of EMI Records Under license from EMI Film & Television Music "Linger" (1993) Written by Dolores O'Riordan (as Dolores Mary O'Riordan) and Noel Hogan Performed by The Cranberries Courtesy of The Island Def Jam Music Group Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "I'm Gonna Live Till I Die" (1954) Written by Al Hoffman, Walter Kent , and Mann Curtis (as Manny Curtis) Performed by Frank Sinatra Courtesy of Capitol Records Under license from EMI Film & Television Music "Someday" (2001) Written by Julian Casablancas Performed by The Strokes Courtesy of The RCA Records Label By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music entertainment and Courtesy of Rough Trade Records Ltd. (UK and Eire) "Feelings Got to Stay" (1993) Written and Performed by Ric Ocasek Courtesy of Metro Tube Productions Limited "Serious" Written by Tyler Blake Performed by The Mannequin Courtesy of Criminally Vulgar Recordings "The Best Things in Life Are Free" (1927) Music by Ray Henderson Lyrics by Lew Brown , Buddy G. DeSylva (as B.G. DeSylva) Produced by Brooks Arthur Performed by John Pagano "Call Me Irresponsible" (1962) Music by Jimmy Van Heusen Lyrics by Sammy Cahn Produced by Brooks Arthur Performed by John Pagano "Linger" (1993) Written by Dolores O'Riordan (as Dolores Mary O'Riordan) and Noel Hogan Produced by Brooks Arthur Performed by Dolores O'Riordan Dolores O'Riordan appears courtesy of Helter Ltd. "Ultra Violet (Light My Way)" (1991) Music by Bono (as Paul Hewson), The Edge (as Dave Evans), Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. (as Larry Mullen) Lyrics by Bono (as Paul Hewson) and The Edge (as Dave Evans) Performed by U2 Courtesy of Universal-Island Records Ltd. Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Making Love Out of Nothing at All" (1983) Written by Jim Steinman Performed by Air Supply Courtesy of Arista Records, Inc. By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music Entertainment "You Get What You Give" (1998) Written by Gregg Alexander and Rick Nowels Performed by New Radicals Courtesy of Geffen Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises |
Goofs
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Continuity: During breakfast with Donna and Janine, the cereal on Michael's spoon disappears, the spoon changes angles, and then reappears again. Continuity: In the opening scene when Michael Newman is woken by his children, there is a box of Twinkies sitting in front of his head. In the next shot, the box has disappeared. SYNC: During the wedding sequence, while the band is playing "Linger", the bass player is bowing an electric upright bass, but the music is clearly a plucked upright bass. Fact errors: During Ben's swim meet there are no timers (people recording swimmer's times on stopwatches), nor are there any touch-pads to automatically record the times. Continuity: When Morty is reaching for the remote, it is peeking out over the edge of the shelf, but when he grabs it, it is clearly in the middle of the shelf, nowhere near the edge. Continuity: When Ammer tells Michael that he didn't get the promotion yet, he's eating with his glasses on. Just before Michael 'pauses' him to smack him around, his glasses disappear without him taking them off. Continuity: SPOILER: At the end, Michael picks up the note beside the universal remote. In a back shot we can see through the paper, and we can see the amount and positioning of the writing. In the next shot showing us what is written on the letter, the amount and positioning of what is written on the letter has now changed. Continuity: When the kids are coming downstairs to get a Twinkie, the box changes from Spanish to English from the view of the stairs. DATE: When Michael journeys to 1976, his friends talk about going to watch "Three's Company" (1977), which did not start airing until 1977. Continuity: When Michael asks to watch the last time he saw his Dad, at the first run (without pauses), when his Dad is leaving, Ben is at the right side of the desk. After Michael rewinds and pauses a few times when his Dad is leaving, Ben is at the left side of the desk. Continuity: At the beginning of the movie when Michael is sleeping on the couch, the dog is sleeping at his feet. When the kids come downstairs and the camera angle switches to their perspective, the dog is gone. Continuity: When the kids and Donna come downstairs to find that Michael has bought the kids new bikes, the green box for Donna is seen behind Michael on a small table without a bow. In the next shot, when Michael is giving the box to Donna, it has a bow. Continuity: When Michael first goes back to his old house after getting fat, the radio says it 2017 but when we see him again in the hospital, Donna says it's been six years since the accident. Out in the lobby when he sees his son, the intercom says it's 2018. Shortly after when he finds out his father died and he goes to the cemetery, his father's grave says he died in 2021. Continuity: SPOILER: Michael leaves to buy a universal remote just after he develops a cold, then skips his having it, but at the end of the film when he returns to Bed, Bath, & Beyond, he doesn't cough as he did when he was leaving. Revealing mistakes: SPOILER: During the scene where Michael is walking out of the hospital after his heart attack at Ben's wedding, you can see circular patterns on the road surface where the film makers rain machines are being used. Continuity: When Michael farts in Mr. Ammer's mouth it is completely open, but when he freezes him his mouth is open but his teeth are closed. It actually changes positions about three different times. SYNC: When Michael pulls up to the traffic jam (next to the singing guy), he yells "Will you stop talking and fix the sewer!" However his mouth is saying something else judging by his reflection in the driver's side mirror. Continuity: SPOILER: At the end of the movie when Michael goes to call his dad he puts his hat on the counter and there is a fruit bowl on the table. He picks up the phone and sees the remote on the table with the note. With the camera changes his hat moves once but the fruit bowl is in a different position with every shot. Also, in the last shot a butter dish and an open box of Chinese take-out appear on the table. Crew: When Michael is playing with the toy, just before he picks up the remote for the helicopter, a cameraman can be seen in the reflection of the window behind him, just below the reflection of the yellow duck and behind the reflection of the chair. Continuity: During breakfast with Janine and Michael when Janine is shouting at him, she has a rabbit teddy in her hand when shouting about her abandoned rabbit. The camera shot then goes to Michael, and when it switches back to Janine the rabbit teddy has vanished. Continuity: When Michael comes home and parks in the driveway his car is very dusty, in the scene that follows where his son and his friend is throwing the baseball, the car in the background changes in between shots from dusty to clean. PLOT: Technically, the remote should not have fast forwarded when Michael was mentioned a second promotion since the remote only becomes automatic when the same situation repeats itself various times, but since he only fast forward once in the case of the partner promotion, the remote wouldn't have done it automatically. GEOG: The interior layout of the house does not match the outside - The outside shows a 1 story house that is flat along the front, and that garage on the right side. But inside there is a staircase, and the front entry sticks out further than the rest (so it could not be a flat front house) and in the beginning when Michael is leaving to look for a universal remote, he goes to the garage, but goes on the other end of the house than what is shown outside. DATE: When Michael flashes back to the time he and his wife first kissed, Michael and everyone else seem to be wearing 80's attire. When Michael and Donna kiss the song "Linger" comes on, but that song didn't come out until the mid 90's. Continuity: When Michael and Donna are dancing at Ben's wedding, Donna's hand changes position on Michael between cuts. |
Quotes
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Michael Newman: My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that. Trudy: It couldn't have gotten any smaller. Ted: [laughing] It looked like a litttle Tic Tac. Michael Newman: Yeah, come, here, I'll freshen your breath. Donna Newman: [scene after the dog humps toy duck] I have to sew the duck's head back on... and fix his butthole. Morty: He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes. Donna Newman: Will you still love me in the morning? Michael Newman: Forever and ever, babe [after kissing Michael, watching Sundance hump the duck] Donna Newman: I know it's deviant... but it's kinda turning me on. [kisses Michael again] Michael Newman: [reading off letter] Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy. Michael Newman: Okay, Morty. [Throws the universal remote into the bin] [repeated line] Morty: It's all just... cornflakes. Michael Newman: I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with yodels... you get acid. Michael Newman: Ben... family... always comes first... Michael Newman: Oh, my God. Wolverine's goofy cousin. Michael Newman: [looking in a mirror] You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that. Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain. Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to green] Grr... Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr! Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to purple] Oh, there's Barney. [starts to sing] I love you, you love me, the jogger has giant boobies. Ben at 7-Years-Old: Hey, Dad! Look at Kevin's new Robo-Dog! Michael Newman: [not listening] That's nice. Kevin O'Doyle: NICE? This thing's worth more than your car! Michael Newman: [runs over robo-dog] Not anymore it ain't! Michael Newman: You sell any universal remotes here? Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: I dunno. I don't really work here; I'm just waiting for my friends. Michael Newman: Really? Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: No. I actually don't have any friends. Will you be my friend? Michael Newman: I missed the whole Dragon Tales era? Ben at 7-Years-Old: Hey, look at Sundance wrestle his duck. [Sundance is humping it] Michael Newman: Oh, no, that's not wrestling. That's... Something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years. Ten for you. [Points at Ben] Michael Newman: Thirty for you. [Points at Samantha] Donna Newman: Honey, you were so great. Michael Newman: Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin or something? That was incredible. Ben at 7-Years-Old: You just got here, Dad. I saw you. Michael Newman: What do you mean I just got here? Why are you saying that? I saw you. You jumped in there, you swam here. Samantha Newman - Age 5: Then what stroke was he doing, Dad? Michael Newman: He was doing the "shut-up". [Samantha laughs] Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live? Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute. Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute? Trudy: Hey, Micheal. Micheal, who are you talking to? Michael Newman: Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma. Take it easy. Trudy: Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life. You got family here. You're busy. Come on. Michael Newman: My mother says hello. Michael Newman: Yes! Look at me. All showered and dressed and looking sexy. I like that. I... Samantha Newman - Age 5: Did you smoke crack, Daddy? Kevin O'Doyle: [referring to Michael's car] What kind of stereo do you have in that blue piece of shit? Michael Newman: You know, I never check, Kevin. Kevin O'Doyle: Yeah, well my father's stereo is a Bose. Michael Newman: [yell's while in his car] Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad! Kevin O'Doyle: No! I said... That's not what I said! Michael Newman: [pulls off his driveway and speeds away yelling] His father stereo blows! Wheee! Michael Newman: Twinkie. Don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Good job. Narrator of Michael's Past: Once again, Michael left Donna in bed, confused and unsatisfied. Michael Newman: [offscreen] Shut up, James Earl Jones! Narrator of Michael's Past: No! You shut up, bigmouth! Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend? [Michael was told his father, Ted, died. In his grave, he asks the remote to flashback to the last time he saw him. Flashback: Michael's very busy working and his son, Ben, arrives] Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper, but... If you check this out, you'll see it has much better natural flow... Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael interrupts without having seen his son's project] Cheaper one, like I said. Just, let me do my e-mail. Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Er... Michael Newman: [Real Michael] He ain't right. You are a schmark, look at it! Ted: [arrives] Surprise! Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hey, grandpa! Michael Newman: [Real Michael sees how old his dad is] Oh, my God... Ted: [hugs Ben] How did you get so handsome? [to Michael] So, Michael. I have a wonderful idea. Your mother is going to play canasta with her friends tonight, so I thought: "What a great opportunity". You, me and Ben should go and have a boys night out. Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] I can't. Ted: What do you mean you can't? You have to weak some time. We can go, we can whistle the pretty ladies. Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I'm down for that. Ted: See? He's down. I don't know what that means but he's down. Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] Hey, please. Ted: Don't give me that finger. [after seeing he's son keeps busy] I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick. Michael Newman: [Real Michael] Will you look at the man? Ted: I'll tell you the secret. Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] No, Dad. Ted: Don't you wanna know...? Michael Newman: ...how you do the stupid trick? I've always known. Can you let me do my job? Ted: [voice braking] You've always known... Michael Newman: [Real Michael, to Flashback-Michael] You're pathetic. Ted: Okay... I'm so sorry I butched in. I love you son. Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Don't you worry, grandpa. I'll go with you. [Grandpa starts leaving and cries. Real Michael freezes him, then rewinds the scene to the part Granpa Ted tells Flashback-Michael that he loves him] Michael Newman: [Real Michael, when he freezes his dad when he's looking at him] I love you dad. [kisses him in the cheek] I'll miss ya... You know that... Good-bye. Michael Newman: Sorry I'm late. Some idiot in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot. Prince Habeeboo: Prince Habeeboo drive Red Lamborghini. Michael Newman: Oh, did I say red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari. Michael Newman: [arriving at the end of his son's swim meet; he walks to the wrong lane] That was great, son! Ping Woo: You're not my dad! Michael Newman: Only as far as you know, kid. Ping Woo: [begins to sob loudly] Are you really my dad? [Micheal leaves quickly] Michael Newman: [in a flashback of his and Donna's first kiss, just as it occurs] Yeah! Janine: [offscreen] Donna! [appears onscreen dressed as a punk, sees them kissing] Janine: Donna - Oh, my God! I'm so horny now. Michael Newman: Oh, God. Get me out of here. Kirsten: Do you need something, Mr. Newman? Michael Newman: Who are you? Kirsten: Kirsten... your assistant? Michael Newman: Wha- Wha- What happen to Alice? Kirsten: She moved to Accounting, couldn't handle your hours. Kirsten: [Whispering] And she prefers to be called Allen now, remember? Kirsten: [points at Alice, she is now a he] Michael Newman: No... No! No! Morty: Think about it, you've skipped a year. That's a lot of sex. That's like, thirty minutes worth for you. Michael Newman: It took that son of a bitch a whole year to promote me? Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him. Michael Newman: What? Morty: Michael, I'm an angel. Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people. Morty: I'm the Angel of Death. Michael Newman: How you doing, buddy? Playing some catch? Kevin O'Doyle: Actually, we're playing some drop, 'cause Ben hasn't caught one yet. [Kevin throws ball, Ben misses and throws it back, glaring] Ben at 7-Years-Old: Darn it. Michael Newman: Ahh. [freezes the game and moves Kevin's glove down and unfreezes] Kevin O'Doyle: [Ball hits Kevin's face] Ahh! Michael Newman: Ho-ho! You're a regular Derek Jeter yourself, O'Doyle. Kevin O'Doyle: [runs home] MOMMY! Ammer: Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch? Argh! Ugh! STACY! Michael Newman: [just getting off the phone with Ammer, then whispers] That's it! You're dead! Firecracker Teen #1: [teens run away] Oh, shit. Michael Newman: [jumps right over the fence chasing after them] That's right! You better run! I kicked your father's ass in high school! So, now I'm gonna kick yours! Ping Woo: [crying] I hate that man. Michael Newman: Twinkie. You don't need e'm. You don't need e'm. You do need a Yodel, though. Samantha at 14 Years Old: I'm going to Derek's. Michael Newman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, who is Derek? Samantha at 14 Years Old: Uh, duh, my boyfriend, the hottest boy in school? Michael Newman: Yeah, he's gonna be really hot when I burn his house down. Morty: [Morty and Michael go back to the past to Micheal's birth, Micheal's parents were arguing if he had a penis or not] Your mother must have had some good eyesight, 'cause... I didn't see anything. Michael Newman: Oh, hardy har-har. Michael Newman: [trying to convince him to let the project be procrastinated so he can go camping] Three days? Couldn't I have a little more time for this project? Ammer: Michael, our clients are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook. Janine: [after Donna kisses Michael] Oh, my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice too. Michael Newman: You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice. Janine: You know way too much about me. I should've never done that Montel Williams show. Michael Newman: Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit. Janine: I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me. Michael Newman: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog. Michael Newman: I mean no disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida. Ammer: Hubba Bubba. Prince Habeeboo: Habeeboo! Ha-bee-boo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum. Prince Habeeboo is not chewing gum! Michael Newman: [reading Morty's note] Michael, like I said, good guys need a break. I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love, Morty P.S. Your wife's rockin' body still drives me crazy. Michael Newman: You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy! Ted: A good magician never reveals his secrets... however, if you invite us over for dinner more often... Michael Newman: You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want! Michael Newman: Thank you, Mom for having me, I know it was a lot of pain. Trudy: You have no idea. Michael Newman: [dying] Family, family... Family comes first. Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [crying] Family comes first. Michael Newman: Honey... honeymoon Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [still crying] Honeymoon [to his wife; still crying] I love you. Michael Newman: Samantha... I didn't make it to 200 but I love you. Samantha Newman - Age 27: I love you, Daddy. Michael Newman: [weakly gives Bill the finger and laughs] No no, no no, Michael Newman: [Give the Okay sign] Michael Newman: Aunt Peggy, is that you? God, you got old. [Peggy flicks her chin and gives him the arm, to the crowd] Michael Newman: I'm just playing, she knows that. [last lines] Michael Newman: Who wants to have a pillow fight? News Reader in 2017: Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself is now suing himself for molesting himself. Michael Newman: Samantha, is that you? When did you get boobs? Samantha at 14 Years Old: Same time you did, Dad. Ted: [doing his magic trick] OK, 1... 2... 3... [spits out the other half of the quarter] Ben at 7-Years-Old: Are you shittin' me! Ammer: Now, anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment: blue collar, white collar, a woman, a man... even the office slut. No, not that I'm mentioning any names... Stacy. Stacy, Blonde Ammer Assistant: [Stacy looks shocked for a moment and then laughs, nodding her head in affirmation] Prince Habeeboo: It is simply awesome! Prince Habeeboo's Assistant: Still itchy? [Starts scratching Prince Habeeboo facial hair] Prince Habeeboo: You got it Michael Newman: [seeing his parents wildly making love in bed] Change the channel! Morty: [Michael frantically dials Morty's number to resolve conflicts he's had with the remote. Morty's silhouette his shown in Micael's ktchen as he finishes dialing the last number. He speaks loudly] Yes? Michael Newman: [Michael yelps and jumps backwards onto the kitchen table. He shatters it and quickly tries to get to his feet as the little dog upstairs begins to bark] You scared the...! [Pulls himslef up] Donna Newman: [From upstairs] Honey, what's going on down there? Michael Newman: It's alright! I, uh... [Hangs up phone] It was a mouse! I killed it! It's dead! But... [Analyzes the broken mess] It broke the table first. [Turns to Morty with a shaken voice] How'd you get in here? Morty: I had a feeling you wanted to see me. Michael Newman: I'm freakin' out. This thing - this thing - it's broken. It-it's just - it's fast forwarding on its own now. Morty: It's not a malfunction it's a feature. It's using it's memory to execute your preferences. Michael Newman: It *remember's* stuff about me? What do you mean? Morty: It's an advance piece of equipment like TiVo. [Smiles] You could call it MeVo. Michael Newman: I fast forwarded through sex one time. I don't wanna skip it forever; I like sex. I-um-i-it-it feels good. Morty: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you fast forwarded through an entire *year*. That's a lot of sex. Put it all together, it's like... thirty minute's worth for you. Michael Newman: Oh, no, no. So what? Everything I fast forwarded it-it's just gonna do it on its own now? Morty: Pretty much. No more showering. No more traffic. No more arguing. No more sickness. Michael Newman: This is bad. This is bad. Here, you take it back. [Hands Morty the remote and walks off] I'm deactivating my service. I quit, I quit, I quit. Morty: [Holding the remote] No, come on. Michael Newman: No, no, no. Thanks for everything, alright? But I - [Looks at his right hand and he has the remote. He looks at Morty who has a rather confident grin on his face. Michael looks around the kitchen, throughs the remote in the can and backs up. Only now he realizes that the remote is now held in his opposite hand. Turns to Morty stunned] You... this is not... [Michael drops the remote on the floor and stomps repeatedly ontop of it, shattering it on impact] Morty: Come on, don't be mean. [the remote is now distroyed under Michael's feets. He confidently waves his hand around. Unkowingly to him, the remote is sitting ontop of his head] Nice hat. [Michael then takes the remote and tosses it outside] Whoa! Is this a *stick-up*, or are you just happy? [the remote is in Michael's crotch part of his jeans] Michael Newman: Oh, yeah? I'll take my clothes off. Then what's - ? Morty: I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's only one place left for it to pop up. Michael Newman: Where am I? Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: You're at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. You were sleeping on the bed, you're not supposed to... [makes goofy grin] Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: But I do sometimes. Morty: I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in that's probably the most advanced piece of technology that we have in this place. Michael Newman: Sounds sweet. Morty: It is sweet. The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet. Michael Newman: Ooh. I guess the O'Doyles' remote can kiss my advanced-technological ass then. Morty: I don't know the O'Doyles, but... they can bite it hard. Morty: Check it out. You hit the fast-forward button. I believe we're sometime after your conception. Michael Newman: [voice echoes] No! We're in my mother's vagina? Michael Newman: I was looking at our proposal. You know what? After to getting to you know a little bit, I realize this is not what you're all about. In fact, let's just throw it out, all right. The river in the lobby idea, what an egghead move. Let's just keep all the plans simple, forget all the niceties, and maximize our revenue. That's what its all about anyways, the profits. But do me a favor. Just give us your account and your trust. That way we can get the hell out of this dump, go to a T.G.I. Friday's, and do some Jell-O shots till this guy pukes up a lung. Ancient Executive: Fuck yeah! Michael Newman: Ben? That's you? Look how big you got. You're enormous. Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the S.S. Fat-Ass! It's really good for my self-esteem. Maybe if you would take me, like, to Pilates like you said you would, people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell. Donna Newman: That's not bad for your third liposuction. One more tummy tuck should take care of it. [flaps loose skin] Michael Newman: Oh, it looks like a tongue... licking. Morty: I am the Angel of Death. Michael Newman: You bastard. |
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