Information
| Year: | 2008 |
| Rating: | 7.1(75940) |
| Listed in: | Action, Adventure, Comedy, Crime, Thriller |
| Directed by: | David Gordon Green |
| Actors: | Seth Rogen James Franco Danny McBride Kevin Corrigan Craig Robinson Gary Cole |
| "One hit could ruin your whole day." | |
Cast
| Directed by | |
|---|---|
| David Gordon Green | |
| Actors | |
| Seth Rogen | as Dale Denton |
| James Franco | as Saul Silver |
| Danny McBride | as Red |
| Kevin Corrigan | as Budlofsky |
| Craig Robinson | as Matheson |
| Gary Cole | as Ted Jones |
| Ed Begley Jr. | as Robert |
| Joe Lo Truglio | as Mr. Edwards |
| Arthur Napiontek | as Clark |
| Bill Hader | as Private Miller |
| James Remar | as General Bratt |
| Jonathan Spencer | as Scientist |
| Dana Lee | as Cheung |
| Bobby Lee | as Bobby |
| Ken Jeong | as Ken |
| David C. Cook | as Chris Gebert |
| Howard S. Lefstein | as Mark |
| David McDivitt | as Cop with Mole |
| George Lew | as Old Man |
| John Robert Tramutola | as Walt |
| Adam Crosby | as Ack |
| Andrew Heald | as Blake |
| Carlos Aleman | as Guy in Car |
| Omar Leyva | as Guy in Car #2 |
| Sam Carson | as Xerox Secretary |
| Jack Kehler | as Walter - Accountant |
| Robert Longstreet | as Dr. Terrence |
| Peter Lewis | as Peter - Thug #1 |
| Steve Bannos | as Jared - Thug #2 |
| Eddie Rouse | as Lance - Thug #5 |
| Mark Whigham | as Thug #3 |
| Brian Scannell | as Thug #4 |
| Ricky Dôminguez | as School Guy #1 |
| Gabe Fiscale | as Tennis Pro |
| Victor Fox | as Highschool Bully |
| Brandon G. Holley | as High School Student |
| Jourdan Lee Khoo | as Assassin #1 |
| Nathan Mussell | as Paramedic |
| Jordan Pontell | as Scientist |
| George F. Watson | as Gov't Scientist B.O.N.G. Inventor/Diving Suit Attendant |
| Actresses | |
| Rosie Perez | as Carol/Female Cop |
| Nora Dunn | as Shannon |
| Amber Heard | as Angie Anderson |
| Cleo King | as Police Liaison Officer |
| Connie Sawyer | as Faye Belogus |
| Mae LaBorde | as Mrs. Mendelson |
| Kendall Carly Browne | as Old Woman |
| Jeannetta Arnette | as Sandra Danby |
| Jill Sayre | |
| Sheila Shaw | as Waitress |
Movie info
| Languages: | English, Cantonese, Korean |
| Filming dates: | 10 March 2007 - 12 May 2007 |
| Budget: | USD 27,000,000 |
| Gross: |
USA - 87,341,380 USD (28 September 2008) UK - 3,611,471 GBP (5 October 2008) Worldwide - 101,624,843 USD (8 March 2009) Non-USA - 14,283,463 USD (8 March 2009) Philippines - 589,540 PHP (26 October 2008) |
| Plot: | Lazy court-process clerk and stoner Dale Denton has only one reason to visit his equally lazy dealer Saul Silver: to purchase weed, specifically, a rare new strain called Pineapple Express. But when Dale becomes the only witness to a murder by a crooked cop and the city's most dangerous drug lord, he panics and dumps his roach of Pineapple Express at the scene. Dale now has another reason to visit Saul: to find out if the weed is so rare that it can be traced back to him--and it is. As Dale and Saul run for their lives, they quickly discover that they're not suffering from weed-fueled paranoia: incredibly, the bad guys really are hot on their trail and trying to figure out the fastest way to kill them both. All aboard the Pineapple Express. |
View Online
Tags
Original Soundtracks
|
"Paper Planes" (uncredited)(trailer) Performed by Maya Arulpragasam "Electric Avenue" Written and Performed by Eddy Grant Courtesy of Greenheart Music Ltd. "Bird's Lament" Written by Moondog (as Louis Hardin) Performed by Moondog and the London Saxophonic Courtesy of Roof Records "Shaggy Dog" Written by D. Matousek Performed by Danny and the Velaires Courtesy of Pure Music Inc. "Ring of Fire" Written by June Carter Cash (as June Carter) and Merle Kilgore Performed by Grace Jones Courtesy of The Island Def Jam Music Group Under license from Universal Music Enteprises "(I Know I Got) Skillz" Written by Shaquille O'Neal, Jeffrey Fortson and Cecil Womack, Jr. Performed by Shaquille O'Neal Courtesy of Jive Records By Arrangement with SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT "Der Komissar" Written by Falco ans Robert Ponger Performed by Falco Courtesy of Reverso Musik Produktions GmbH and Buddha Records By Arrangement with SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT "Dr. Greenthumb" Written by B-Real and Larry Muggerud Performed by Cypress Hill Courtesy of Columbia Records By Arrangement with SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT "Don't Look Around" Written by Felix Pappalardi, Gail Collins , Leslie West (as Leslie Weinstein) and Sandra Palmer Performed by Mountain Courtesy of Columbia Records By Arrangement with SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT "Hiilawe" Written by John Kalapana Performed by Arthur Lyman Courtesy of Rykodisc By Arrangement with Warner Music Group Film & TV Licensing "The Fixer" Written by Clem Clempson, Steven Marriott (as Steve Marriott), Greg Ridley and Jerry Shirley Performed by Humble Pie Courtesy of A&M Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Wanted Dread or Alive" Written and Performed by Peter Tosh Courtesy of EMI Records Ltd. Under license from EMI Film & Television Music and Mabrak Music/Tosh Intel-Diplo Foundation, Ltd. "Poison" Written by Elliott Straite Performed by Bell Biv DeVoe Courtesy of Geffen Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Love Is Blue" Written by Pierre Cour, André Popp and Bryan Blackburn Performed by Claudine Longet Courtesy of A&M Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Coconut Girl" Written and Performed by Brother Noland Courtesy of The Mountain Apple Company "Time Will Tell" Written by Bob Marley Performed by Bob Marley & The Wailers Courtesy of The Island Def Jam Music Group Under license from Universal Music Enteprises "Tha Crossroads" Written by Krayzie Bone (as Anthony Henderson), Layzie Bone (as Steven Howse), O'Kelly Isley, Ronald Isley, Rudolph Isley, Ernie Isley, Marvin Isley, , Chris Jasper, Bizzy Bone (as Bryon McCane) and Wish Bone (as Charles Scruggs) Performed by Bone Thugs n Harmony (as Bone thugs-n-harmony) Courtesy of Ruthless Records "Lost at Birth" Written by Chuck D. (as Carlton Ridenhour), Gary Rinaldo and Hank Shocklee Performed by Public Enemy Courtesy of Bring the Noize Music, Inc. By arrangemnet with Reach Global, Inc. "Murder Rap" Written by Dr. Dre (as Andre Young), Arthur Goodman III, Larry Goodman, Gregory Hutchinson, Kevin Gulley and Anthony Stewart Performed by Above the Law Courtesy of Ruthless Records and Epic Records By Arrangement with SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT "I Didn't Mean to Hurt You" Written by Jason Pierce Performed by Spiritualized Courtesy of Arista Records, Inc. and SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT (UK) Ltd. By Arrangement with SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT "Woke Up Laughing" Written and Performed by Robert Palmer Courtesy of The Island Def Jam Music Group Under license from Universal Music Enteprises "Pineapple Express" Written by Johnny Colla, David Fredericks and Huey Lewis Produced by Huey Lewis and Johnny Colla Performed by Huey Lewis & The News (as Huey Lewis and The News) |
Goofs
|
Continuity: While Angie is talking to Dale in the motel room, the time of the UFC fight is inconsistent, first being around 2 minutes counting down then jumping up to around 3:30. Continuity: In the scene where Dale and Saul are beating up Red in his house, Red's cold sore first appears, then disappears, then appears again. Continuity: After Saul pulls his foot out of the car window, the hole changes sizes from small and jagged, to larger and more rounded, seemingly without explanation. Continuity: When Saul and Dale are in the woods and talking, there is nothing on the rear of the car. When the camera cuts to Saul talking on the phone, a jar of pickles is suddenly there. When he hangs up, the pickles are gone again. Revealing mistakes: When the corrupt female officer's car flips when chasing Saul and Dale, there is clearly nobody driving it. Continuity: During the car chase scene the hub cap on the car keeps appearing then disappearing. It was clearly shown falling off early in the scene. Crew: When Angie's Father is shooting at Saul/Dale, there is clearly a small flash in the lower cupboard door as the charge is set off. A bullet/buck shot would not create this flash. Continuity: At the end, the barn is blown apart. The scene cuts back to Saul, Dale and Red and then back to the barn for a last time. The barn now is pretty much all there again, and it continues burning. Revealing mistakes: In the beginning of the film when the private is smoking a joint, the camera cuts to outside of the box he is sitting in and you can clearly see the smoke from a smoke-machine blow towards the private. Revealing mistakes: When Angie is talking to Dale on the phone in the hotel, it is visible that the phone is not plugged into anything when Angie is moving the base around and swinging the wire. FAIR: In the beginning and end of the movie during the scenes in the underground bunker, there are what appear to be windows with light coming out of them. However, it is not uncommon for underground bunkers to have fake windows with light sources behind them in order to give people the illusion of light coming from a window to the outside. Continuity: When Saul is hitch-hiking using his thumb as a penis, his watch is clearly black. In later scenes his watch is silver. FAIR: When Dale is arguing with Angie over the phone, she says that she lost her virginity to him when she was 14. Yet earlier in the conversation Dale talked about all the stuff she would be doing next year at college, and how they had only been together for 3 months. She actually does not say that she lost her virginity to him, just that she lost it when she was 14. SYNC: After Dale witnesses the murder and goes to Saul's apartment building in a panic, the sound of the rapid buzzing as he pushes the call button doesn't match the buzzing heard in Saul's apartment. Fact errors: Several solders within the military bunker are armed and not wearing cover hat indoors. Military rules clearly state that all armed personnel shall wear a cover when under arms. Crew: While Dale and Saul are talking in front of a huge mirror in the holding room of the former military bunker, a crew member's reflection is clearly seen; a second crew member also walks by in the background (of the reflection). CHAR: When Dale and Saul get to Red's house he is in the middle of making his cat's birthday cake. He says it's a tradition to get up early and make his cake - despite the fact it's nearly 5 o'clock in the afternoon or later. CHAR: When Dale shouts at Saul to turn on the windshield wipers in the squad car, he says they don't work, but if you look carefully at Saul's Hand, he's just clicking the turn signal up and down; not actually turning any knobs which would turn on the windshield wipers. Continuity: During the fight scene, while Dale is on top of Red with the door, they keep jumping from place to place on the floor. First, Reds head is in the sink, then its next to the sink, then farther, then closer. Even the sink itself jumps from sides that it fell on. Sometimes its on its back, sometimes not. FAIR: Ted Jones has no connection to Dale until Saul tells Red Dale's full name. The degrees of separation only lead him as far as Saul. Therefore, Dale and Saul could have just hidden out at Dale's apartment from the very beginning. However, Dale can't be certain that the murderers didn't see him or his license plate, so it makes perfect sense that he'd want to stay away from his apartment. FAIR: Budlofsky and Matheson have never seen Saul, nor has Saul seen Budlofsky or Matheson before they see each other at the retirement home, so they shouldn't recognize each other. However, if Saul knows he is being chased by dangerous criminals, it stands to reason that he would panic upon seeing two unidentified men speaking to his grandmother. His reaction to seeing the two men attracts their attention and they correctly surmise that he is the man they're after. Revealing mistakes: In some shots during the car chase scene, there is a wiped off area on the windshield next to Saul's foot to let the driver see out of the cruiser. Revealing mistakes: Dale asks Saul for a quarter of an ounce of Pineapple Express, but the bag Saul gives Dale clearly contains less than an eighth of an ounce. Revealing mistakes: In the scene where Saul visits his grandmother and then fights the goons, he breaks a coffee pot. Part of he liquid hits the camera lens and slightly blurs the area just above Saul's head. Fact errors: When Saul hands Dale his "quarter" in the beginning of the movie, if you look closely you can see that it is in fact not a quarter but in fact a gram of marijuana. Continuity: When Dale and Saul are at Red's house and they're talking about Red's herpes, Saul is pointing to Red with his right hand. When it cuts to Saul explaining how Red must have gotten it from eating a lollipop out of a stripper's snatch, he's pointing at him with his left hand. Continuity: Right before Matheson is run over his head is sticking out of the hole, yet when he gets run over he is laying in front of the wheel of the car. Continuity: The day Saul and Dale wake up in the woods is Daylight Savings Day, which is always on a Sunday. However, Dale visited his girlfriend's high school the day before which should have been Saturday when it should have been closed. Continuity: During the car chase when Saul slams on the breaks and the cop shoots at him it busts both windows and hits a civilian but the next shot of Saul the window is still intact. Continuity: When Dale first visits Saul to buy pot, the tray on Saul's table has two empty silver canisters. When Saul returns with Dale's Pineapple Express pot, they reach for the cross joint and one of the canisters is filled with pot. SYNC: In the beginning, when Dale is smoking pot in his car, the two Hispanics next to him are singing along on the radio to the same song ("Electric Avenue"). The Hispanic driver is singing the chorus at one point, which (at the time of his doing so) is not consistent with the radio. CHAR: In the end scene in the restaurant, Saul tells Red during the car chase, he had his foot out the window. His foot was out the windshield. Crew: When the cop is chasing Saul and Dale, Saul kicks the window for a hole. When his foot finally comes out and it goes to the next shot, the hole is 2x bigger than when he pulled his foot out. Continuity: In the scene where Dale and Saul are walking through the woods, you can see Saul's watch as he blows smoke at a caterpillar. The time says 10:50, though he had told Dale it was 3:00 just moments before. |
Quotes
|
Saul: Fuck the po-lice! Ted Jones: Has anyone seen my bigger knife? Ken: War is upon you! Prepare to suck the cock of karma! Ken: [about to attack Ted Jones's pot warehouse] Tonight we cook up some shit. Take his stash and burn the motherfucker down. Ken: No retreat, no surrender! Budlofsky: [Matheson is smoking weed] No, I can't. My wife can always tell. She can smell it on my sweater. Matheson: [laughs] You want my vest? It smell good. Budlofsky: It's not my style. Matheson: You ain't got no style, muthafucka. Matheson: [to Budlofsky] You used to be fierce. You used to be ruthless! Red: Today's my cat's birthday. [passes out] Matheson: [Saul has smashed a coffee pot in Matheson's face, leaving huge scars] I look like the Hamburglar. Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high. Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that? Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit! Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home. Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that. Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do? Angie Anderson: Fuck you, Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with? Dale Denton: Like two and a half. Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count! Robert: Angie, you're a fucking idiot. I say that with love. Dale Denton: [talking about his girlfriend] I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb fuckin' stinky-ass turd when I'm there. Saul: What? Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego. Saul: Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man! Red: You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker! Saul: [after Red tosses an ashtray, frisbee style, at Dale's head] Holy cock! Dale Denton: [to Red] Fuck you! Saul: What's down there, a fucking Rancor? Saul: [as he is just about to punch Carol in the face] You're in the jungle now, Baby! Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had - and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked - this would the shit that they birthed. Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking. Robert: Are you high? Dale Denton: What? No! Shannon: You are high as a fucking kite! Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didn't say anything back. Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic! Saul: Oh. Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean. Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now! Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech. Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out. Ken: [to Ted and Dale] You, suck my balls. Two times! Saul: Enjoy your last meal. [throws bills at Dale] Here, supersize it, bitch. [throws change] Red: Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man? Dale Denton: I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man. Red: You don't seem chill. Dale Denton: I'm more chill than you. Red: You're more chill than me? Dale Denton: Yeah. Red: Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing? Dale Denton: A suit. Red: Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you. Dale Denton: Well, I don't know if I like you either, man. Red: Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend. Dale Denton: You were cold and I *clothed* you. Saul: Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind. [he lights a joint and inhales] Dale Denton: It's really that rare? Saul: [exhales] It's, like, the rarest. [he examines the joint] It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb. Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Ted's henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us? Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas... Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird. Saul: Thank you. Dale Denton: Not a compliment. Saul: Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock. Dale Denton: That's not gonna get us a ride, man. Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here! Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead. Saul: Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead? Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead! Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead? Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul. Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen? Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-... Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio? Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio. Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide. Saul: BFFF? Dale Denton: Best Fuckin' Friends Forever, man! Saul: Holy cock! Red: Thug life! Scientist: Private Miller, you've been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel? Private Miller: Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter... melting on top of a big-ol' pile of flapjacks... yeah. Saul: When my foot was in the hole - and my groin - man, I felt like a wishbone. Matheson: Well, lookie here. Mr. Folgers. What's up, sir? Saul: Man, why'd we have to go to the woods? Dale Denton: Well you didn't come up with any ideas! Saul: Yeah, I came up with two! Nowhere and Quizno's. Red: I'm just up here, tryin' to get a motherfuckin' scholarship! Dale Denton: [Dale is at Angie's house] No, don't don't let him gonna... No, don't wanna. Saul: [Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork. Red: [Red talking to Dale] There you go. Why don't you just follow his lead and just chill out, man? Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells. Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be? Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to. Dale Denton: Belongs to me. Red: Then the dragon. Robert: You assholes do exactly as I say, or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street! Dale Denton: No! Don't fuck us anywhere! Dale Denton: [fighting with Ted] Gimme that fire extinguisher! Saul: A dude, a lady, and a cop? That like a massacre, man! Saul: There's a fly in the ointment, shits hittin' the fan, the lion will speak! Dale Denton: Hey, man, what happened to your lip? Saul: Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something... Red: Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried. Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes? Red: Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes. Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared? Red: Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person. [Dale walks in unexpectedly] Dale Denton: Hello? Hey, man. Saul: What the fuck? I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here? Dale Denton: Oh, shit, some guy with a faux 'hawk let me in. He was leaving when I was-... Saul: Fuckin' Kyle, man? Dale Denton: It might've been Kyle. Saul: That asshole. Dale Denton: I'm sorry. Saul: What the fuck's the buzzer for, anyway? Dale Denton: I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't know your protocol yet. Mr. Edwards: Clark's a great guy, man. He's totally gonna take care of Angie, man. He's great; he's a wonderful lab partner, so... It's gonna be cool, he'll keep one eye on her. Dale Denton: Why don't you go fuck yourself, you weird little prick? Mr. Edwards: I'm a teacher, okay? You can't talk to me like that, guy. Dale Denton: I'm not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard. Saul: [quoting 227] I thought hurricane season was over! Dale Denton: Oh, wow, you got a cute picture. Saul: Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia? Dale Denton: Like on her? Saul: If I needed to. Dale Denton: Um... I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started. Saul: Well, save it! Dale Denton: We'll save it for next time. We'll keep it going. Saul: What's up with the suit? Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit. Saul: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur? Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like-... Saul: Shine shoes? Dale Denton: I'm a *process server*! Dale Denton: He fucking killed him! Saul: Who killed who? Dale Denton: A cop, a lady, and a guy! Saul: A cop, a lady, and a guy, man? That's like a massacre. You saw it? Dale Denton: No, it was just a guy! Saul: What happened to the lady? Saul: [talking about Pineapple Express] It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb. Saul: I wish we could just go nowhere. Red: Do you know what today is? Saul: Tuesday. Red: This is my cat's birthday today. Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident? Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy? Dale Denton: I'm sorry? Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert. Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven. Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell. Red: You don't think I can handle danger? Dale Denton: What are you talking about? Saul: You can. Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this. [He shows them his shaved armpits] You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro. Dale Denton: What's the significance of that? Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger. Red: [Red wakes up and is taped to a chair] Hey, what's up, dudes? Dale Denton: What's up? Tell us everything now! Saul: Talk, Red. Red: I'm gonna flex and bust out of here. [Red tries to bust out] Saul: Trapped. Dale Denton: It's not happening, Red. Red: Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically fucked. Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use? Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope? Matheson: You hear that, Ted? Ted Jones: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian. Matheson: What skin color were they? Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends. Matheson: Ted, you hear him? Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red. Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-... [Matheson shoots Red] Dale Denton: [after explaining everything that's happened] Do you believe me? Police Liaison Officer: I don't know. Give me a minute. It was a woman or a man cop? Dale Denton: It was a policewoman. It was a woman. Police Liaison Officer: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was. Dale Denton: Yes, I will identify that bitch! Red: I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute. Matheson: You know you gonna die, right? Saul: Yeah. Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out of you! I hope you enjoy these last seventeen minutes of your life. Red: [before saving Saul] I can't do this. I'm sorry, man. I can't do this. I'm infected. My shit's all fucked up. I need medical attention. Dale Denton: What do you mean you can't - I thought we just got all pumped up! What was that all about? Red: Dude, Ted is a fucking murderer! I can't fuck with him! I got a wife, man! She's gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna fuck her! I wanna have sex with her! I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow. Dale Denton: Oh, no! Come on, this could be your moment of redemption! Red: Fuck that. This'll be your moment. Dale Denton: I'm gonna get us out of here! Saul: No, you're not. But it's okay. Saul: You lied to me. Red: I did. I lied big time to you. Saul: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did. Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do. Saul: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you. Red: I wanna be inside you, homes. Saul: No more lies, Red. Red: This is my moment. Saul: This is your moment. [Carol shoots Red] Red: I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body. Dale Denton: Well, you've been shot like seven times. Red: [Red regains consciousness after shortly passing out from his wounds] I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine. Dale Denton: It's okay. We won't put our dicks in your mouth. Clark: Dude, I wanted to tell you. You were hilarious today in Drama Class. Angie Anderson: Seriously, your Jeff Goldblum impression made me piss my pants. Clark: Oh, I wish. Saul: You still got that bong I got you when I was in Tel Aviv? Red: Hell yeah, Bong Mitzvah! Hit it up, dude! Dale Denton: What an adorable little cop. Dale Denton: You killed my ear! Matheson: You shot me! Dale Denton: I didn't do that! Matheson: HE shot me! Dale Denton: You shot him? Saul: nods his head Matheson: Get your hands off me! Saul: Shut up! we've had enough of you! Matheson: I'm not your friend! Dale Denton: Couscous - the food's so nice they named it twice. Saul: Relax, man, just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to man. Dale Denton: It's really that rare? Saul: It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like... killin' a unicorn... with, like, a bomb... Dale Denton: Are you the only guy in town who has this? You're actually the only guy? Saul: Yeah. My guy Red said he was givin' me an exclusive sneak preview. Dale Denton: And am I the only guy who you sold it to; the other guys got snicklefritz? Saul: Yeah. So *we're* like the only guys... Dale Denton: And Red got this from Ted? Saul: Ted's the man. Dale Denton: ...Let's get the fuck outta here, man! Go! Go! Let's go! Saul: What? Dale Denton: Let's go! Go! Saul: Why? Dale Denton: Because! I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house! Saul: So what, man? I throw roaches all over the fuckin' town... Dale Denton: No! No, no! He could find the roach and say it's Pineapple Express in here! SAUL! He's the only guy who HAS Pineapple Express! He must've seen the murder or know - let's fuckin' kill him! Saul: Oh, fuck! Dale Denton: Let's get outta here! Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop! Get weed! Get the weed! Saul: Okay. Dale Denton: Anything we might need: snacks, food, fruit roll-ups! Let's get the fuck outta here! Dale Denton: I should call Angie soon... Make up some bullshit... Saul: I think we should stay! Dale Denton: Why? Saul: ...Cause I'm in the dumpster already! Dale Denton: Danger! Danger! Trees! Tree! Tree! Squirrel! Dale Denton: Aren't you angry at Ted? Red: Yeah, I'm really mad at him... Dale Denton: Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it? Red: Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him... Dale Denton: What the fuck is this thing? Saul: Ah. Cross joint. Dale Denton: Yeah. Saul: You ever smoke one of those? Dale Denton: You can SMOKE this? Saul: Hell yeah, man! Dale Denton: No. Saul: This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one - the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden... What you do is you light all three ends at the same time... Dale Denton: Really? Saul: - and then the smoke converges, creating a TRIFECTA of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future. That - future... Saul: You know, don't get down on yourself: You got a great girl, you got a great job whete you don't go anything, you get to smoke weed all day... I wish I had that... Dale Denton: Are you kidd - you do, you have the easiest job on Earth. You DO smoke weed all day. Saul: ...Hahaha, that's true! Dale Denton: You didn't think of that, huh? Saul: I do have a good job... Dale Denton: Yeah, you do nothing! Saul: Thanks, man! Dale Denton: No problem. Saul: Thank you. Saul: I'm cold... Dale Denton: You're cold? Oh, I'm not cold at all. Here... [he starts to take off his coat]... I run hot. Saul: Really? Dale Denton: Yeah. Saul: You got more... Dale Denton: Thick blood. Saul: ...body. Saul: Herpes is for life, bro! Red: Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin Vicodin; that really doesn't take down the swelling, though. Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it! Saul: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What'd you do? Red: Nothing. Red: You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole. Matheson: [to Budlosky] I may act tough, but i got a lot of feelings, and you hurt damn near everyone of them. Police Liaison Officer: Oooh, big sexy with glasses! Clark: It's time to suck today's dick! Dale Denton: Yeah, suck dick! Saul: Oh, sick! You threw up on my printer! Dale Denton: I did. Saul: You break it? Dale Denton: I hope not. [Saul throws his cell phone into the woods after suggesting that they can be traced] Dale Denton: Whoa! What the fuck was that? Saul: I was trying to hit that tree. I missed. Dale Denton: What tree? Saul: That one. Dale Denton: Why didn't you smash it on a rock like a normal person like I did? Saul: I don't know! How often does somebody smash things? I'm rusty, fuck. Dale Denton: Oh, man, did you at least see where it landed? Saul: I don't know. Just call it. Dale Denton: Call it? With what? My phone has been smashed! Saul: [pauses] Y'know, I bet they can't even triangulate those things. Dale Denton: Well, you shouldn't have said anything, because now you convinced me they can! You were very convincing back there! Saul: Okay, okay. Fine, I'll go find it. Fuck. Dale Denton: Do you see it? Saul: See what? Dale Denton: The phone, you idiot! Budlofsky: Hey! How about a little fuckin' discretion! Matheson: What abo- you catch that? you see that? You use to not give a fuck about discretion. I seen't you break somebody's jawbone off! I SEEN'T it! You was ruthless man! ruthless! Saul: [Reaches for Dale's hand, trying to pull him into the air vent] Give it to me! Dale Denton: Come on! Saul: Be taller! Dale Denton: [Gives up] Be stronger! Dale Denton: I'm here to save my best friend... I've got an idea! Rub your wrists against my belt buckle! [Saul does. It looks like humping] I'm gonna save you, man! Saul: [Grinds against Dale] Yeah! Yeah! Dale Denton: Let me save you! Budlofsky: [after knocking down the door to Saul's apartment] It smells like vomit in this house. [Angie says that she wants to marry Dale] Dale Denton: Uh, I'm looking for someone more mature. Angie Anderson: *Mature?* I lost my virginity when I was fourteen; how many women have *you* slept with? Dale Denton: Um, two and a half. Angie Anderson: *A half?* What's *a half,* your hand? Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. It's like... God's vagina! Dale Denton: Uhhh! Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it? Dale Denton: I just want to live in here! Saul: Yes, you wanna be it? Dale Denton: Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. That's amazing! It's beautiful! Saul: Shove it anywhere you like! Dale Denton: What's it called? Saul: Pineapple Express. Police Liaison Officer: Don't move; this shit hurts! [holding a can of mace] Police Liaison Officer: What's in your hand? Dale Denton: It's weed, it's a joint, it's a roach. I thought it was decriminalized. To be honest with you, I have horrible anorexia and it helps my appetite. I'm so sorry. Police Liaison Officer: Look, selling narcotics to my students is not decriminalized. I'm the liaison officer for this school. And guess what? I just saw three students walking from back here with their eyes as red as the devil's dick! Dale Denton: Fuck! Police Liaison Officer: You're busted! Dale Denton: Those kids came up and they peer-pressured me; this is a horrible misunderstanding. Budlofsky: [Matheson punches Saul] Stand back! Ted wants him alive! Matheson: Why're you holding me back? Budlofsky: Ted wants him alive, okay? Matheson: I should be kicking his fucking teeth in! Budlofsky: If anybody's gonna beat him up, it's gonna be Ted. Matheson: I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man! Saul: You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man! Budlofsky: Professional. Professional. Saul: Professional on this, bitch! Matheson: [to Saul] Whatever, man. [to Budlofsky] Matheson: And where were you? Budlofsky: I was there! Matheson: You're supposed to be my partner! Budlofsky: I was there! Matheson: No, you wasn't there! How did this happen, then? Saul: He's got good reflexes, man. Matheson: You know you gonna die right? Saul: [sadly] Yeah... Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out you... I hope you enjoy these last... 17 minutes of your life... cause when Ted gets here, he's gonna be like, 'Kill that motha fucker, kill that motha fuckin ass'... watch your head! Dale Denton: Saul, help me! Help me! He's punching my bum! Matheson: [clapping hands together] This is so exciting! Matheson: [pulling Saul's leg] Tear this ass up! Private Miller: Why are we underground, sir? Robert: [after shooting at Dale and Saul in the Kitchen] You assholes do exactly as I say or I will take you outside and FUCK you in the street! Robert: [at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder] Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna... Dale Denton: What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna! Red: Where you think you're goin', Mr. Wiggles? Get back here! Feisty! Dale Denton: Saul, help! He's punching my bum! He's punching my bum! I'm done with this! Red: No, you're not. No, you're not! Dale Denton: Let's try words! Use WORDS! Saul: [Red throws ashtray at Dale's face] Holy cock! Dale Denton: Fuck you! [runs away] [Matheson kills Budlofsky for refusing to refusing to shoot Saul when he had the chance] Matheson: I knew you were going soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole! Saul: Fucked up, man. Matheson: [Points his gun at Saul] Well looky here, Mr. Forges. Wussup, Saul? Saul: Look, I didn't want to hit you, man... Matheson: SHUT THE FUCK UP! You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker? Huh? You need to set your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now! Saul: Alright! You know what, if this is how it's gonna be, alright. Silence! [Red drives his car into the barn, killing Matheson] Saul: [both are running away, Saul jumps into nearby dumpster] Hey, in here! Dale Denton: [comes to a surprised stop] What? WHOA! I gotta get to a phone, man, COME ON! Saul: [tired] Why? Dale Denton: Why? Why, look! OK, if Red tells Ted's guys about [pants] my name, They'll go to my apartment, [pants] And there, I have Angie's name! [flailing arms] And they could put that all together, and they'll find us, Let's go! Saul: [still tired, realizing that he's dirty] No, no. I think we should stay. Dale Denton: [mad] WHY? Saul: 'Cause I'm in the dumpster already! Dale Denton: [mad still] Well, then get out! [smells Saul and the dumpster] Ughh! Dale Denton: No, what are you do - Don't get a gun! Why would he bear arms? Red: You assholes, you ruined my portable phone! Red: [underneath a door] TIME OUT! Time out! Saul: [stops jumping on the phone] Okay, truce. Red: Time in! Fuck you! Saul: CHEATER! Red: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Red: Do not break down the door! Are you gonna pay for it? Saul: Yeah I know where he lives, what are you insinuating, that I'm forgetful? Dale Denton: [surprised and slightly impressed] Insinuating... Saul: Yeah you know what that means? It means like... Dale Denton: I do what that means actually. Saul: ...to seem like. Private Miller: Dude, what happened to your eye? Saul: [giving 3 schoolboys some pineapple express] But don't call it that. Call it... Banana Boat. Saul: [giving 3 schoolboys pineapple express] If anyone asks, you got it from Sau - -I mean... Santiago and... Dunbar. Robert: Get the FUCK out of my car, I can't believe you'd even think that would be an option. Saul: We gotta get away from the bad guys! Dale Denton: No, no, he's right. Come on, let's go. [Dale and Saul start to get out of the car] Saul: The hell? Private Miller: [2 men in full bodied suits come to take him away] Hell-ooo. Bleep blorp bleep... can you guys understand me? Saul: [Red spits in Saul's eye] HERPES! Red: [smacks Saul with dustbuster and beats him on the ground] You brought the devil into my house! Saul: [confused as to why Red is hitting him] We're friends! Red: I know we are, that's what SUCKS! Saul: Are you on that meth shit again? [screams to Dale] Dale, he's hurting me! Red: Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers. Red: I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow! Red: [coughing, after being shot] What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach! I'm gon' die now probably! Man, I had y'all over for dinner - fish tacos! This how you do me? [gets shot again] Dale Denton: How's it goin', sporty spice? Robert: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you? Dale Denton: Nothing, I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here! Robert: You're all dirty and bleeding. Dale Denton: No I'm not, I'm here for dinner. Shannon: You have scratches on your forehead... Robert: Dude, you smell like shit. Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you? Dale Denton: I was in the woods! Shannon: In the woods? Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was... I was in the woods! Shannon: What were you doing in the woods? Dale Denton: I bird... watch... I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder. Ok? I saw someone murder... someone else. Saul: [getting ready to smoke cross joint] Okay here's what you do. You equip yourself... Dale Denton: I'm equipping! Equip me, sir! Saul: What you do... is you light all three ends at the same, and the smoke converges, creating a *trifecta* of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future, that future. Robert: shut the fuck up, do you know what shut the fuck up means! |
Comments
No comments yet.
