Information
| Year: | 2005 |
| Rating: | 6.6(61400) |
| Listed in: | Adventure, Comedy, Sci-Fi |
| Directed by: | Garth Jennings |
| Actors: | Bill Bailey Martin Freeman Mos Def Sam Rockwell Bill Nighy Warwick Davis Zooey Deschanel |
| "Don't Panic" | |
Cast
| Directed by | |
|---|---|
| Garth Jennings | |
| Actors | |
| Bill Bailey | as The Whale |
| Martin Freeman | as Arthur Dent |
| Mos Def | as Ford Prefect |
| Sam Rockwell | as Zaphod Beeblebrox |
| Bill Nighy | as Slartibartfast |
| Warwick Davis | as Marvin |
| Alan Rickman | as Marvin |
| Stephen Fry | as Narrator/The Guide |
| Simon Jones | as Ghostly Image |
| John Malkovich | as Humma Kavula |
| Thomas Lennon | as Eddie the Computer |
| Mark Longhurst | as Bulldozer Driver |
| Richard Griffiths | as Jeltz |
| Ian McNeice | as Kwaltz |
| Steve Pemberton | as Mr. Prosser/Additional Vogon Voices |
| Mark Gatiss | as Additional Vogon Voices |
| Reece Shearsmith | as Additional Vogon Voices |
| Jack Stanley | as Lunkwill |
| Mak Wilson | as Vogon Interpreter |
| Albie Woodington | as Barman |
| Mason Ball | as Creature Performer |
| Danny Blackner | as Creature Performer |
| Aron Freeman | as Creature Performer |
| Ian Kay | as Creature Performer |
| Mohsen Nouri | as Creature Performer |
| Oliver Parham | as Creature Performer |
| Nigel Plaskitt | as Creature Performer |
| Jerome Blake | as Vogon Soldier |
| Milo Bodrozic | as Vogon Soldier |
| Martin Dawson | as Vogon Soldier |
| Dan Ellis | as Vogon Soldier |
| Steve Grindle | as Vogon Soldier |
| Art Hewitt | as Vogon Soldier |
| Simon Hibbs | as Vogon Soldier |
| Rob Horseman | as Vogon Soldier |
| Mike Lewis | as Vogon Soldier |
| Paul Nathaniel | as Vogon Soldier |
| Tim Perrin | as Vogon Soldier |
| Jessie Riley | as Vogon Soldier |
| Tucker Stevens | as Vogon Soldier |
| Ashley Stuart | as Vogon Soldier |
| Ben Uttley | as Vogon Soldier |
| Patrick Walker | as Vogon Soldier |
| Spencer Wilding | as Vogon Soldier |
| William Wollen | as Vogon Soldier |
| Peter Burroughs | as Marvin |
| Ray Donn | as Humma Worshiper |
| Garth Jennings | as Frankie Mouse |
| Rich Johnston | as Congregation |
| Jim Lynn | as London Citizen |
| Jason Schwartzman | as Gag Halfrunt |
| Mark Smith | as Pall Bearer |
| Sean Sollé | as London Citizen |
| Mark Stevenson | as Native American |
| James Thrift | as London Citizen |
| Edgar Wright | as Deep Thought Technician |
| Actresses | |
| Zooey Deschanel | as Trillian |
| Anna Chancellor | as Questular Rontok |
| Helen Mirren | as Deep Thought |
| Kelly Macdonald | as Reporter |
| Dominique Jackson | as Fook |
| Su Elliot | as Pub Customer |
| Sarah Bennett | as Creature Performer |
| Hayley Burroughs | as Creature Performer |
| Cecily Fay | as Creature Performer |
| Nikki McInness | as Creature Performer |
| Lynn Robertson Bruce | as Creature Performer |
| Polly Jane Rocket Adams | as London Citizen |
| Alex Argenti | as Alien |
| Jane Belson | as Extra |
| Susie Gossling Valerio | as Daewoo Driver |
| Zoe Kubaisi | as Benjy Mouse |
| Alisha Smith | as Trillian DBL |
Movie info
| Languages: | English |
| Filming dates: | 19 April 2004 - 20 August 2004 |
| Budget: | USD 50,000,000 |
| Gross: |
USA - 51,085,416 USD (21 July 2005) UK - 9,618,055 GBP (22 May 2005) Czech Republic - 4,808,069 CZK (30 June 2005) Netherlands - 141,913 EUR (7 August 2005) |
| Plot: | Waking up one morning, a British man named Arthur Dent awakes and find his house is going to be demolished. But for Arthur, the demolition of his house is only the beginning, Arthur's friend eccentric Ford Prefect reveals to Earth that he is not human and he is a alien from a planet called Bettleguise and is a researcher of a electronic book called "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Ford saves Arthur when Earth is wiped out by the Vogons who have demolished the Earth to make way for a new intergalactic motorway. Embarking on a intergalactic adventure, Arthur and Ford are joined by two-headed former president of the galaxy, Zaphod Beeblebrox, intelligent human woman Trillian and Marvin, a depressed android, travels across the galaxy on-board Zaphod's stolen spaceship "Heart of Gold". Where they set out to discover the meaning of life and travel to the newly constructed Earth II, where Slartibartfast reveals the truth about the original Earth, that was destroyed by the Vogons. |
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Original Soundtracks
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"So Long & Thanks for All the Fish" Written by Joby Talbot, Garth Jennings and Christopher Austin Produced by Joby Talbot Vocals Performed by Hilary Summers, Kemi Ominiyi & The R'SVP Voices "Magic Moments" Written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David Performed by Perry Como Courtesy of RCA Records By Arrangement with SONY BMG Music Licensing "Shoo-Rah, Shoo-Rah" Written by Allen Toussaint Performed by Betty Wright Courtesy or Rhino Entertainment Company By Arrangement with Warner Strategic Marketing "Here I Am (Come and Take Me)" Written by Al Green and Mabon Hodges Performed by Al Green Courtesy of Hi Records Under license from EMI Film & Television Music "Journey of the Sorcerer" Written by Bernard Leadon "So Long & Thanks for All the Fish" (End Title Version) Written by Joby Talbot, Garth Jennings and Christopher Austin Produced by Joby Talbot Performed by Neil Hannon Neil Hannon appears courtesy of Parlophone/EMI Records |
Goofs
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Continuity: When Trillian and Arthur are helping Zaphod out of Humma Kavula's temple, Trillian's arm switches from being by her side to holding up Zaphod between shots. Continuity: When Arthur breaks free of the restraints at the dinner table, he still has an armrest attached to his right arm. After he hits the mice and steps back, it's gone. Continuity: When Mr Prosser is talking to Arthur you can see Ford Prefect in the background with a trolley full of beer, before he has actually arrived. Crew: When Ford passes Arthur's caravan as he chases a group of Vogons with a towel, the cameraman (along with about three other crewmembers) is reflected in the caravan. Continuity: When Arthurs' home is about to be demolished, he is seen lying on the ground in front of the bulldozer in protest. His left arm is touching the scoop of the bulldozer. The shot cuts away and directly back to him, at which time he is lying 1 to 2 feet away from the scoop of the bulldozer. Crew: You can see a cameraman reflected in the left side of the kettle when Arthur makes tea in his house at the start of the movie. Revealing mistakes: When Humma Kavula steps off of his dinner table, in the next shot, you can see the actor walking normally (taking a step) instead of the supposed mechanical movement of his many legs. Continuity: When the mice say "To business!" (in the last scene at Arthur's house), the teacup is not in the saucer. Although Arthur drinks from it once more and puts it down, it never appears in the saucer again. Continuity: When Arthur goes back to his house, he makes a cup of tea. When he drinks it, there is clearly milk in it, although he never put any in. When it vibrates along the table, it is black again. SYNC: When Ford is running to rescue Arthur and the gang as they are being shot at outside Humma Kavula's temple, Ford starts running to the rescue and is supposedly screaming but his mouth is clearly closed. Continuity: When Ford is scooting along with the trolley full of beer he passes a red truck on the right side of the screen (Ford's left side) however when the shot pans out there are only red trucks on the left side of the screen (Ford's right). CHAR: When Arthur is speaking to Trillian ('Zooey Deschanel' (qv)) as she takes a shower, he briefly begins to address her by her real name (Zooey), then corrects himself. CHAR: When Arthur hands in the release form to release Trillian, the Vogon lady tells him it is not a presidential release form, "Those are blue". Although Arthur clearly grabbed and handed in a blue form. Fact errors: When Ford and Arthur are launched into space the narrator falsely states that you can survive in the vacuum of space for 30 seconds by holding your breath. However holding your breath is the last thing you would want to do in space as you would be susceptible to explosive decompression. In actuality you would have a greater chance of surviving by expelling all of the air out of your lungs. Revealing mistakes: In a shot not long after Humma Kavula removes his glasses revealing only scars underneath, the corners of actual eyes are visible underneath the lenses. FAIR: As the sperm whale is falling through the Magrathean atmosphere, the sound of a humpback whale is heard. However, this is not a normal sperm whale. |
Quotes
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Marvin: I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. Trillian: Well, we have something that may take your mind off it. Marvin: It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind. Trillian: Yeah, we know. Trillian: Let's go somewhere. Arthur: Where did you have in mind? Trillian: Madagascar. Arthur: That new club on Dean Street? Trillian: No, it's a country. Off the coast of Africa. Arthur: All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world. Slartibartfast: No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that. Ford: [after being thrown into the airlock by a guard] Wash your filthy hands! [looks around] Don't panic... don't panic... Arthur: So this is it. We're gonna die. Ford: Yeah. We're gonna die. [pauses] No... no! What's this? [goes over to control panel] Arthur: What's that? Ford: What's this...? What's this...? [flips switch] Ford: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die. Marvin: Life? Don't talk to me about life! Vogon: [being chased by Ford Prefect with a towel] He's got a TOWEL! Dolphins: [singing] So long, and thanks for all the fish / So sad that it should come to this / We tried to warn you all, but, oh, dear / You may not share out intellect / Which might explain your disrespect / For all the natural wonders that grow around you / So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish! The world's about to be destroyed / There's no point getting all annoyed / Lie back and let the planet dissolve around you / Despite those nets of tuna fleets / We thought that most of you were sweet / Especially tiny tots and your pregnant women / So long, so long, so long, so long, so long! So long, so long, so long, so long, so long! So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish!/ If I had just one last wish / I would like a tasty fish!/ If we could just change one thing / We would all have learnt to sing!/ Come one and all / Man and mammal / Side by side / In life's great gene pool!/ So long, so long, so long, so long, so long / So long, so long, so long, so long / So long, so long and thanks for all the fish! Slartibartfast: I must warn you, we're going to pass through, well, a sort of gateway thing. Arthur Dent: What? Slartibartfast: It may disturb you. It scares the willies out of me. Ghostly Image: It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated. As a token of our appreciation, we hope you will enjoy the two thermonuclear missiles we've just sent to converge with your craft. To ensure ongoing quality of service, your death may be monitored for training purposes. Thank you. Arthur Dent: Just wait a sodding minute! You want a question that goes with the answer for 42? Well, how about what's six times seven? Or how many Vogons does it take to change a lightbulb? Here's one! How many roads must a man walk down? Lunkwill: Hey, that's not bad! Arthur Dent: Fine. Fine, take it. Because my head is filled with questions and I can assure you no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness. Except for one. The one. The only question I've ever wanted an answer to - is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't forty-two, it's yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashedly yes. And for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence, it made me happy. Trillian: That's a good answer... Lunkwill: Rubbish, we don't want to be happy, we want to be famous! Fook: Yeah! What is all this "is she the one" tripe? Lunkwill: Take his brain! Trillian: Well, this is weird. The Book: It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a Sperm Whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet and since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell: The Whale: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground! [dies] The Book: Curiously the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly *why* the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now. Trillian: I should have said it resembles tea. Zaphod: Why'd you pick up hitchhikers? Trillian: I didn't. The ship did. Zaphod: She digs me. Zaphod: That doesn't sound good. Trillian: You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth! Zaphod: I did? Arthur: He did? Trillian: Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you? Zaphod: Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading. Trillian: My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph! Zaphod: Some parts of my character weren't what you'd call presidential. Ford, Zaphod: Belgium. Ford: That's awkward. Arthur: Let's go somewhere. Trillian: Definitely. Where'd you have in mind? Ford: I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe. Arthur Dent: I'm sorry, did you just say you needed my brain? Fook: Yes, to complete the program. Arthur Dent: Well, you can't have it, I'm using it! Fook: Hardly. Arthur Dent: Cheeky mouse... Mr. Prosser: Do you know how much damage this bulldozer would sustain if I just let it roll over you? Arthur: How much? Mr. Prosser: None at all. Ford: You're looking for the Ultimate Question. Zaphod: Yep. Ford: You. Zaphod: Me. Ford: Why? Zaphod: No, I tried that: Why? 42. Doesn't work. Title card: For Douglas. [Waiting for Trillian to be released] Zaphod: Who are we waiting for again? [Waits for a reply] Zaphod: No, I'm serious. Slartibartfast: [talking about the Earth] Best laid plans of mice. Arthur: And men. Slartibartfast: What? Arthur: Best laid plans of mice and men. Slartibartfast: Oh. No, I don't think men had much to do with it. Arthur: [Trillian has been captured by Vogons] [bursts into a random Vogon building with Marvin's arm, hoping they think it's a gun] All right! Where is she! [sees he's in a waiting room] Vogon Secretary: Who? The Director of Robot Arm Repair? Trillian: Who are you? Arthur: Er, Dent, Arthur Dent. Trillian: No, I mean *who* are you? Arthur: Oh, the costume. Er, Livingston I presume. Yeah. Not as good as Darwin I know but the best I could manage at short notice. Trillian: You're the first person whose gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa. Arthur: Really? Trillian: Yeah, and I thought the beagle made it a dead giveaway. Arthur: Well, I suppose most of the people who come to these parties are drunken idiots. Trillian: What? [the record player is bumped, the music stops] Arthur: I said all these people are idiots! [everyone stares at him] Arthur: Oh god... Humma Kavula, Congregation: [singing] Oh mighty Arkleseizure, thou gazed from high above. And sneezed from out thy nostrils, a gift of bounteous love. The universe around us emerged from thy nose. Now we await with eager expectation, thy handkerchief, to bring us back to thee. [End singing] Zaphod: Hello Humma. Humma Kavula: Let us pray. Oh mighty one, we raise our noses to you blocked and unblown, send the handkerchief O blessed one that we may be wiped clean. Congregation: Atchoo! Humma Kavula: Bless you. Slartibartfast: You must come with me. Arthur Dent: Who are you? Slartibartfast: What? No. My name's not important. You must come with me, or you'll be late. Arthur Dent: Late for what? Slartibartfast: Well, um, what's your name Earthman? Arthur Dent: Dent. Arthur Dent. Slartibartfast: Well, late as in *the late* Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat. You see? Arthur Dent: No. Slartibartfast: Your friends are safe, you can trust me. Arthur Dent: Trust a man who won't even tell me his name? Slartibartfast: Well, um, my name is, um, it's [hurriedly] Slartibartfast. Arthur Dent: What? Slartibartfast: I *said* it wasn't important. [first lines] The Book: It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, Man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the *third* most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures were of course dolphins who, curiously enough, had long known of the impending destruction of the planet earth. They had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits. So they eventually decided they would leave earth by their own means. The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish. [to Arthur, shortly after they first meet] Trillian: I want to go somewhere I've never been, and I'd like to go with you. Humma Kavula: [confronting Zaphod Beeblebrox for the first time after losing the Galactic Presidential Election to him] The election is ancient history, Zaphod. If memory serves, you won, proving that good looks and charm win over brilliance and the ability to govern. And for the record? You *are* stupid. Trillian: [Zaphod aims the Point of View gun at Trillian] It won't affect me, I'm already a woman. Fook: [about to be squished] Oh, bollocks! Arthur: Ford? Ford: Yeah? Arthur: I think I'm a sofa... Ford: [pause] I know how you feel... Marvin: You can blame the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for making androids with GPP... Arthur: Um... what's GPP? Marvin: Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you...? Arthur Dent: It's a big-biggy Ford, a big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic partical things? Zaphod: This is the right one! I have a hunch! Ford: [smiling] His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go! Arthur Dent: Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemons? Jeltz: Apathetic bloody planet. I've no sympathy at all. Zaphod: If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now! The Book: According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the best drink in the known universe is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. It has the effect of having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon... wrapped around a large gold brick. [Slartibartfast is showing Arthur the progress on the New Earth. They pass a construction worker] Slartibartfast: That's Frank. Zaphod: Let's trip the Light Fantastic, baby, just you and me. Trillian: I have a plan. Arthur: Does it involve pushing him out there and then running the other way? The Book: The Encyclopedia Galactica, in its chapter on Love states that it is far too complicated to define. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love: Avoid, if at all possible. Unfortunately, Arthur Dent has never read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The Book: Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience members died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The very worst poetry in the universe was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Thankfully it was destroyed when the earth was. Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home. Ford: What is normal? Trillian: What is home? Zaphod: What're cows? Marvin: [as they are gazing at the wonder of Magrathea] Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be. [Arthur and Ford have each been unexpectedly hit in the face by some unknown flyswatter-like thing] Zaphod: [after finally also being hit in the face] Zarquon! What was that? Geez... Marvin: [depressed] I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen. [even more depressed] No one ever does. Ford: I checked The Guide for the best way to rescue a prisoner from Vogsphere, it said "don't". The Book: "The Babel fish," said The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy quietly, "is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy not from its carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish. "Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. "The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.' "'But,' says Man, 'The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' "'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanished in a puff of logic. "'Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing. "Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best- selling book Well That About Wraps It Up For God. "Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation." Marvin: [as Vogons fire at the group] Don't see what the big deal is... Vogons are some of the worst shots in the galaxy... Marvin: [one hits Marvin, leaving a smoking hole in his head. he turns] Now I've got a headache! [deleted scene] Questular Rontok: [runs to the demolished caravan to find Zaphod unconcious inside] Mr President! Oh, thank god. I tried to prevent all this from happening, but forces beyond my control made it impossible for me to stop them. And even stronger forces are making it impossible for me to stop doing this right now! [kisses Zaphod, waking him up] Zaphod: [throws Questular off him] Zarquon, woman! Are you insane? You're my vice-president! In the name of liberty, and freedom, and people, and... stuff... let's do that again! [they kiss passionately] Eddie the Computer: Guys, I am just pleased as punch to inform you that there are two thermo-nuclear missiles headed this way... if you don't mind, I'm gonna go ahead and take evasive action Arthur Dent: COMPUTER DO SOMETHING! Eddie the Computer: Sure thing fella! Switching over to manual control... good luck! [Ship's engines immediately stop and ship falls] Marvin: Freeze? I'm a robot. I'm not a refrigerator. Marvin: I've been talking to the main computer. Arthur: And? Marvin: It hates me. Marvin: I've been talking to the ship's computer. Arthur: And? Marvin: It hates me. Zaphod: Far out! Zaphod: HUMMA KAVULA! News Reader: Humma Kavula is best known for his slanderous "Don't vote for stupid" campaign and claimed that most people thought they were voting for the worst dressed sentient being in the universe contest. The Book: A man who no more knows his destiny than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India company. Ford: You don't remember. Arthur, your whole planet has been destroyed. Arthur: Couldn't you have done something? Ford: I saved your life. Arthur: A cup of tea would restore my normality. Arthur: I have to say, without the beard you look at least 80 years younger. Trillian: Well, maybe I'm de-evolving? Arthur: Ha ha! Trillian: Ha ha! Arthur: Well, I should inform you that I don't date single-celled organisms. The Book: This man is a 5'8" ape descendant and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his house. Zaphod: I can't do this without my third arm! Arthur: See, normally I hate those sorts of parties. I'd much rather stay at home, I don't know, ironing me hankies. The Book: Space, says the introduction to the guide, is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind bogglingly big it is. And so on. Arthur: Humma Kavula is person? I thought he was swearing! Arthur: [as a yarn doll] I think I'm gonna be sick! Zaphod: Hey, do it in the trash can, Earth man, this ship is brand new. Arthur: [vomits coloured yarn] [last lines] Marvin: Not that anyone cares what I say, but the restaurant is at the *other* end of the Universe. Trillian: Marvin... you saved our lives! Marvin: I know. Wretched, isn't it? Arthur: So this is it. We're going to die Ford: Yes. Would you like a hug? Arthur: No. Arthur: OK. Leave this to me. I'm British. I know how to queue. Vogon: Oh no, he's closed the gate from the inside, we'll have to go round. Marvin: I've calculated your chance of survival, but I don't think you'll like it. Barman: Did you say the world is coming to an end? Shouldn't we all lie on the floor or put paper bags over our heads? Ford: If you like. Barman: Will it help? Ford: Not at all. [Ford runs out of the pub] Barman: Last orders, please! Zaphod: [to Arthur] I like those jammies. Lunkwill: Do you... Deep Thought: Have an answer for you? Yes. But you're not going to like it. Fook: Please tell us. We must know! Deep Thought: Okay. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is... [wild cheers from audience, then silence] Deep Thought: 42. Arthur: Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fuelled by lemons? [Marvin, Trillian, Ford, Arthur and Zaphod are being fired upon by Vogons - the others flee as Marvin only very slowly walks away] Marvin: I don't know what you're all worried about. Vogons are the worst marksmen in the galaxy. [he is shot in the back of the head] Marvin: Now I've got a headache. The Book: Vogons. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious, and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found, queried, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighter. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you. Questular Rontok: [about Trillian] She's lying. She's skinny, and she's pretty, and she's lying! Ford: Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so. Ghostly Image: We are pleased to see that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and would like you to know that the two thermonuclear missiles currently converging upon your vessel are merely a courtesy we extend to all prospective customers. Zaphod: I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you, Alex. Arthur: Arthur! Zaphod: Have you ever tried yoga? Marvin: This will all end in tears. Marvin: [Trillian, Ford, and Zaphod have gone through the portal and left Arthur and Marvin behind] I told you this would all end in tears. Arthur: Did you? Did you? Arthur: It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. Zaphod: [to Trillian] Hey slim, are you wearing my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours, and they're not doing the trick. Fook: We don't want to be happy, we want to be famous. Marvin: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't. Vogon: Resistance is useless! Ford: If you want to survive out here, you've got to know where your towel is. Zaphod: Hey! Is this guy boring you? Why don't you come talk to me instead? I'm from a different planet. Seriously! [laughs] You want to see my spaceship? The Book: In the beginning the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has widely been considered as a bad move. Ford: We must talk. Arthur Dent: Not now, Ford. They're gonna demolish my home. Ford: Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! You know already? [Arthur doesn't understand. Ford looks at the workers around him] Ford: Oh, *they*! When you say "they" you mean *they*! Ford: [distracting the men about to demolish Arthur's house] Workers of the earth! I bring... good tidings of peanuts! And beer! Ford: Didn't you think it was strange I was trying to shake hands with a car? Arthur: I assumed you were drunk. Ford: I thought cars were the dominant lifeform. I was trying to introduce myself. Trillian: I have the president and I will kill him, I swear I will. Jeltz: Could that actually kill him? Questular Rontok: I don't think so. It's an aerosol can. Ford: [talking about Zaphod] He's my semi half brother. Zaphod: He shares three of the same mothers as me. Trillian: See this? This detects what you're craving and makes it for you. And this? This toasts bread while you're slicing it. We're on a space ship Arthur. In space. The Book: [about the Point of View Gun] The Point of View gun conveniently does precisely what its name suggests. That is if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view. It was designed by Deep Thought, but commissioned by a consortium of intergalactic angry housewives, who after countless arguments with their husbands were sick to the teeth of ending those arguments with the phrase "You just don't get it, do you?" Zaphod: Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax. Trillian: Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy? [fires Point-Of View gun at Zaphod] Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't. Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] Hey, fantastic. Psychedelic. Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you. Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] That's not true. Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does. Zaphod: Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing. [takes Point-Of-View gun off Trillian and aims it at her] Trillian: It won't affect me. I'm already a woman. Trillian: So much for the laws of physics. Humma Kavula: Even an improbability drive needs coordinates which I happen to have. Humma Kavula: What does Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure most? Ford: What's with the whole two-head thing? Zaphod: Oh, yeah, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain. Arthur: So you're not from Guildford. Which would explain the accent. The Book: It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always appreciated. For instance, at the very moment that Arthur Dent said "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel," a freak wormhole opened up in the fabric of the space-time continuum and carried his words far far back in time across almost infinite reaches of space to a distant Galaxy where strange and warlike beings were poised on the brink of frightful interstellar battle. The two opposing leaders, resplendent in their black jewelled battle shorts, were meeting for the last time, when, a dreadful silence fell, and, at that very moment, the words, "I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel" drifted across the conference table. Unfortunately, in their native tongue, this was the most appalling insult imaginable, so the two opposing battle fleets decided to settle their few remaining differences in order to launch a joint attack on our galaxy, now positively identified as the source of the offending remark. For thousands of years the mighty starships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the planet Earth - where, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. Those who study the complex interplay of cause and effect in the history of the Universe say that this sort of thing is going on all the time. Gag Halfrunt: Zaphod's just zis guy, ya know? Slartibartfast: I'd much rather be happy than right any day. Arthur: And are you? Slartibartfast: Ahh... No. Slartibartfast: Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day. Arthur Dent: And are you? Slartibartfast: Ah, no. [laughs, snorts] Well, that's where it all falls down, of course. Zaphod: This is it. I have a hunch. Ford: His hunches are good. Ford: [as they are about to be shot into space, he dabs Arthur's face with a towel] You're sweating. Lunkwill: Drink up. Arthur: Thank you. Fook: Now, to business. Ford, Zaphod: [drunkenly toasting] To business! Lunkwill, Fook: Eat! Zaphod: [quietly] Sorry. Zaphod: You Zarkin' Frood! Zaphod: We just hit that button and whoo! Magrathea. I think, I mean we've hit it twice and we're still not there. Trillian: We don't know why we're here. We were trying to get to Magrathea and our ship brought us here. Humma Kavula: How very... improbable. Zaphod: Oh Deep Thought! We have travelled long... and far. Have you calculated the ultimate question? Deep Thought: [yawns] No. I've been watching the TV. Zaphod: Circus! Circus! Zaphod: He's a guest on my ship! He's a guest on my shiiiip! Ford: I thought you said you stole it. Trillian: Buttons aren't toys. Ford: [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought] Is that it? Zaphod: No, there's more. They go back. Arthur: What, seven and a half million years later? Zaphod: Yeah, they do. Zaphod: Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again? Arthur: Earth. Zaphod: Yeah, Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots on Earth. Anyway, don't tell the girl, OK? Cause if you do, I'll pull your spleen out through your throat. Trillian: How badly does it hurt? Arthur: It doesn't feel great. Arthur: She was amazing though, Ford. Beautiful, witty, mad as a balloon. Arthur Dent: Here I was thinking I was the only one who considered your boyfriend a narcissistic moron, when apparently the whole galaxy does. The Book: What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer. Ford: Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing. [a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces] Ford, Arthur, Zaphod: Ow! Ford: [about Vogons] They don't think, they don't imagine, most of them can't even spell, they just run things. And if we don't hitch a ride soon, you won't need the guide to tell you just how unpleasant they can be. They already destroyed a planet today, and that always makes them a little... eeee! Arthur: I think that door just sighed. Marvin: Ghastly, isn't it? All the doors on this spaceship have been programmed to have a cheery and sunny disposition. Zaphod: In the name of people, and freedom, and democracy, and stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking this ship with me. Whoo! Zaphod: He did say the gray building, right? Ford: All the buildings are gray. Zaphod: [everything appears to be made of yarn] WOW! Is this gonna happen every time we hit that button? Trillian: Very probably, yes. Marvin: I have a million ideas, but, they all point to certain death. Arthur: Thanks very much, Marv! The Book: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. More popular, certainly more successful than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway? The Book: Presidents don't have power, their purpose is to draw attention away from it. Ghostly Image: Greetings. This is a recorded announcement as we are all out at the moment. The Commercial Council of Magrathea thanks you for your esteemed visit but regrets that the entire planet is temporarily closed. If you would like to leave your name and a planet where you can be contacted, kindly do so at the tone. Eddie the Computer: Engaging Infinite Improbability Drive... Ford: No, no, no... Zaphod, buttons aren't toys! What did you do? |
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