Information
| Year: | 1977 |
| Rating: | 6.4(8329) |
| Listed in: | Comedy |
| Directed by: | John Landis |
| Actors: | Saul Kahan David Zucker Marilyn Joi Marcy Goldman Dulcie Jordan Gracia Lee |
| "This movie is totally out of control!" | |
Cast
| Directed by | |
|---|---|
| John Landis | |
| Actors | |
| Saul Kahan | as Schwartz (segment "Cleopatra Schwartz") |
| David Zucker | as Man (segment "His New Car")/Technician #2 (segment "Eyewitness |
| Joseph G. Medalis | as Paul Burmaster (segment "High Adventure") |
| Barry Dennen | as Claude LaMont (segment "High Adventure") |
| Colin Male | as Spokesman (segment "Argon") |
| Ed Griffith | as Host (segment "Danger Seekers") |
| Robert Starr | as Rex Kramer (segment "Danger Seekers") |
| Richard Gates | as Boy (segment "Eyewitness News") |
| Neil Thompson | as Newscaster (segment "Eyewitness News") |
| Jim Abrahams | as Technician #1 (segment "Eyewitness News")/Announcer (segment "C |
| Jerry Zucker | as Technician #3 (segment "Eyewitness News")/Man (segment "Nytex P |
| Bob Harland | as Father (segment "Scot Free") |
| Michael Harland | as Son (segment "Scot Free") |
| Jeff Maxwell | as Man (segment "Feel-A-Round") |
| Bruce Bonnheim | as Ticket Taker (segment "Feel-A-Round") |
| Michael Alaimo | as Usher (segment "Feel-A-Round") |
| George Lazenby | as The Architect (segment "That's Armageddon") |
| Jack Roberts | as The Governor (segment "That's Armageddon") |
| Jesse Emmett | as The Governor's Aide (segment "That's Armageddon") |
| Donald Sutherland | as The Clumsy Waiter (segment "That's Armageddon") |
| Newell Alexander | as The Firechief (segment "That's Armageddon") |
| Armand Cerami | as The Fireman (segment "That's Armageddon") |
| Henry Gibson | as Himself (segment "United Appeal for the Dead") |
| Christopher Hanks | as Johnny (segment "United Appeal for the Dead") |
| Bill Bixby | as Himself (segment "Headache Clinic") |
| Michael Laurence | as Frank Bowman (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Larry Curran | as Tom Leclair (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Mike Hanks | as Ron Butler (segment "A.M. Today") |
| William Tregoe | as John Fitzsimmons (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Rick Baker | as Dino (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Bill Breslau | as Technician (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Stephen Bishop | as Charming Guy (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble") |
| Charles Dougherty | as Mistaken Boy (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble") |
| Michael Kearns | as Man in Shower (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble") |
| Felix Silla | as Crazed Clown (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble") |
| Mark L. Levine | as Boy Going Blind (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble |
| Dick Yarmy | as Taylor (segment "Courtroom") |
| Michael McManus | as Hornung (segment "Courtroom") |
| Ross Durfee | as Judge (segment "Courtroom") |
| Stephen Stucker | as Stenographer (segment "Courtroom") |
| Tony Dow | as Wally (segment "Courtroom") |
| Bob Liddle | as Bailiff (segment "Courtroom") |
| Forrest J Ackerman | as Jurist (segment "Courtroom") |
| Patrick Strong | as Sailor (segment "Willer Beer") |
| Wayne Walls | as Bald Beer Drinker (segment "Willer Beer") |
| Reuben Soto | as Bald Beer Drinker (segment "Willer Beer") |
| Leonny Martorada | as Bald Beer Drinker (segment "Willer Beer") |
| Mike Dallbert | as Bald Beer Drinker (segment "Willer Beer") |
| Richard Barrett | as Bald Beer Drinker (segment "Willer Beer") |
| David Clover | as Husband (segment "Nesson Oil") |
| Jack Baker | as Boy (segment "Sex Record") |
| Manny Perry | as Big Jim Slade (segment "Sex Record") |
| Steve Lee | as Son (segment "Zinc Oxide") |
| Arnold Weiss | as Husband (segment "Zinc Oxide") |
| Eric Micklewood | as Asquith (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Derek Murcott | as Pennington (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Evan C. Kim | as Loo (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Bong Soo Han | as Dr. Klahn (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Nathan Jung | as Bulkus (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tony Gaznick | as CIA Agent (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Pugil Kwon | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Phillip Rhee | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Simon Rhee | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Dong Lim | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Chong Lee | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Howard Nemo | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Won Seo | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Hee Ill Choi | as Klahn's Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Johnny Vanek | as Loo's Wrestling Opponent (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Rollin Moriyama | as Prisoner (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Branscombe Richmond | as Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| John Leoning | as Prisoner (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| George Cheung | as Guard #1 (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Marcus K. Mukai | as Guard #2 (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Norman Tse | as Guard #3 (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Arthur Song | as Prisoner (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tad Horino | as Technician (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| David Wang | as Game Show Host (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Gary Gayle | as Nin Chuk Killer (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Alberto Isaac | as Alarm Man (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Emmanuael Amit | as Palace Guard (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Carmelo Aguilar | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Jesus R. Avila | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Mike Brown | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Danny P. Bruz | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Daniel Bustos | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Paul Cardenas | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Marvin Castellon | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Gino Cedra | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Rudy Chavez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Duono Kay Choun | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Alejandro Cruz | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Martin Delgadillo | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Manuel S. Diaz | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tran Chan Duc | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Randy Echeverria | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Orville Echeverria | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Trang En | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Richard Felix | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Benjamin Figueroa | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Carlos D. Flores | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Joe Flores | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tempa Galstan | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| David Garcia | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Mike Goto | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Michael Gradney | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Richard R. Gradney | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Richard R. Guttierrez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ear Heng | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Giang Liet Hong | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Phuoe Tinh Hua | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Henry Huerta | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Kleng Huor | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Paul Iwasaki | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Zetulio Jiminez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tang Kheng | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Alan Kim | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ngo Eng Kuong | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Pung Trang Laen | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Meng Lee Lam | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tony Larios | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Che Leng | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Jojie M. Lengsomin | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Joel Lengsom | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Say Bun Ling | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Mario Llamas | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Rudy Marcis | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Carlos Mancilla | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Cea Mario | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Julio Martinez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Jose Mendez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Hear Chlev Meng | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Poch Meng | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| To Lip Meng | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Larry Mirelez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Mario Mitchell | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tony Montanex | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Galo Naranjo Jr. | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Mickey Naranjo | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Gary Ng | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Lee Ngo | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| To Lip Nguong | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Gus Ochoa | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Chun Sil Oh | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ngo Ooy | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Olih Osias | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Germin Paso | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Hoy Lydara Pong | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Oscar Quesada | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Rudy Ramirez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Jesuse Rone | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Arluro Ruezzo | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Roland Sanchez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Kan Chhaing Sear | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Edwin Seas | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ricardo Siciliano | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Jose Sierra | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Reuben Sierra | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Lam Sun Sok | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Armando Solano | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Gilbert Solorzano | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Manuel Solorzano | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Kim Huy Song | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ngo Yan Song | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ruben Sota | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Jose Sotella | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Wesley D. Stoltz | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Fernando Tajan | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ngo Tap | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Tony Testero | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Oscar Trana | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ngo Uykok | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Gerardo Valadez | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Vladimir Verceles | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Arthur Villegas | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Hong Kong Vin | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Hidetoshi Viscaino | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Peter Vodegel | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Mike Wan | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Randy Wei | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Arnold Wong | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Jaminen Wong | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Carlos Yoshimura | as Klahn's Army (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Shadoe Stevens | as Voice Overs |
| Bob Holt | as Voice Overs |
| Ron Russ | as Voice Overs |
| Robert K. Weiss | as Voice Overs |
| Ron Ganz | as Voice Overs |
| Paul Basta | as Voice Overs |
| Ron Gans | |
| William B. Kaplan | as Technician (segment "Argon") |
| John Landis | as TV technician fighting with gorilla (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Lance LeGault | as Toy Robot (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Leslie Nielsen | as Man in Feel-O-Rama Movie (segment "Feel-O-Rama") |
| Actresses | |
| Marilyn Joi | as Cleopatra Schwartz (segment "Cleopatra Schwartz") |
| Marcy Goldman | as Housewife (segment "Household Odors") |
| Dulcie Jordan | as Guest #1 (segment "Household Odors") |
| Gracia Lee | as Guest #2 (segment "Household Odors") |
| Sheila Rogers | as Guest #3 (segment "Household Odors") |
| Tara Strohmeier | as Girl (segment "Eyewitness News") |
| Anna Crawford | as Mother (segment "Scot Free") |
| Mary Harland | as Daughter (segment "Scot Free") |
| Katherine Wooten | as Woman (segment "Nytex P.M.") |
| Julia Embree | as Box Office Girl (segment "Feel-A-Round") |
| Tracy Landis | as Candy Counter Girl (segment "Feel-A-Round") |
| Victoria Carroll | as The Nurse (segment "That's Armageddon") |
| Roberta Kent | as Mrs. Hefsteder (segment "United Appeal for the Dead") |
| Dena Boehms | as Sister (segment "United Appeal for the Dead") |
| Janice Kent | as Barbara Duncan (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Eloise Hardt | as Sheila Hamilton (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Mallory Sandler | as Astrologer (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Ellen Regan | as Judy Morton (segment "A.M. Today") |
| Lenka Novak | as Linda Chambers (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble" |
| Betsy Genson | as Nancy Reems (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble") |
| Nancy Mann | as Susan Joyce (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble") |
| Gwen Van Dam | as Mrs. Burke (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble") |
| Uschi Digard | as Woman in Shower (segment "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble |
| Boni Enten | as Rita Filagree (segment "Courtroom") |
| Charlotte Zucker | as Jurist (segment "Courtroom") |
| Susan Breslau | as Jurist (segment "Courtroom") |
| Francie Shagin | as Jurist (segment "Courtroom") |
| Jackie Kaufman | as Pretty Girl (segment "Willer Beer") |
| Vera Stough | as Housewife (segment "Nesson Oil") |
| Sharon Kaugh | as Girl (segment "Sex Record") |
| Nancy Steen | as Housewife (segment "Zinc Oxide") |
| Agneta Eckemyr | as Ming Chow (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Ingrid Wang | as Ada Gronick (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Kim Weiskopf | as Prisoner (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Kim Lee | as Prisoner (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Chris Abbott | as Tour Guide (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Shirley Levine | as Tourist (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Peggy Doyle | as Auntie Em (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Maria Adams | as Klahn's Harem (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Young Hwang | as Klahn's Harem (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Sheila Tan | as Klahn's Harem (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Eileen Lum | as Klahn's Harem (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Evelyn Louato | as Klahn's Harem (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Oanh Samora | as Klahn's Harem (segment "A Fistful of Yen") |
| Linda Inglstad | as Voice Overs |
| Dovie Beams | as Concubine |
| Tina Louise | as Woman in Feel-O-Rama Movie (segment "Feel-O-Rama") |
Movie info
| Languages: | English, Korean |
| Budget: | USD 650,000 |
| Gross: |
USA - 15,000,000 USD (1977) Worldwide - 5,000,000 USD (1978) (except USA) |
| Plot: | Madcap spoof, a collection of comedy skits includes the Kung-Fu parody, "A Fistful Of Yen" and "Catholic School Girls In Trouble." Enjoy the future of movie-going with the "Feel-A-Round" theater experience. See a notable and highly respected actor as the clumsiest waiter in motion picture history. Watch such character as Cleopatra Schwartz and Big Jim Slade tickle your funny bone until it has to be removed surgically! |
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Tags
Original Soundtracks
| "Carioca" (uncredited) Written by Gus Kahn, Edward Eliscu and Vincent Youmans Performed by Paul Weston and Jo Stafford (aka Jonathan and Darlene Edwards) |
Goofs
|
DATE: The courtroom sketch takes place in 1957, when there were only 48 states. However, a 50-star flag is shown in the courtroom. Fact errors: In the courtroom scene, the car was said to have been in the northbound lanes of U.S. highway 30, which actually runs east-to-west. Crew: In the Fist Full of Yen segment (00:51:42), as the prisoners are escaping to battle Klahn's army, on the wall to the right, you can clearly see the shadow of one of the crew directing the prisoners out of the scene. Continuity: In the "feel-a-rama" segment the man's popcorn tin keeps rotating in his hand. Revealing mistakes: When Joyce Wilson gives the astrological report, the padding where the arrow lands is visible. Revealing mistakes: During Ron's report about the strike, the padding where the arrow lands is visible. |
Quotes
|
[Master Klahn decapitates a prisoner] Klahn: Now take him to be tortured! Argon Spokesman: Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces. Pennington: This is Butkus, Klahn's bodyguard. He is tough and ruthless. This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur. He is rough and toothless. [first lines] Newscaster: The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in. Film at eleven. [last lines] Newscaster: I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven. Newscaster: Moscow in flames, missiles headed toward New York. Film at eleven. The Architect: What are you saying? The Nurse: Leave her... come back to Montana with me. The Architect: I could no sooner run away from her than myself. The Nurse: I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality! The Architect: Whose reality, yours or mine? The Nurse: My reality AND yours, that's whose! The Architect: What are you saying? The Nurse: Leave her! Come back to Montana with me! The Architect: I could no sooner run away from her than myself! The Nurse: I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality! The Architect: Whose reality, yours or mine? The Nurse: My reality AND yours, that's whose! The Architect: What are you saying? Narrator: Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited! [a woman is worried about the smell of her home as guests arrive] 1st guest: Fish for dinner last night? 2nd guest: Phewww... Harvey still smoking those cigars? 3rd guest: CHRIST! Did a cow shit in here? Narrator: Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion! Klahn: We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our tradition in the spirit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude. Newscaster: Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles. Film at eleven. [two commercials later... ] Narrator: If you were thrilled by "The Towering Inferno"... if you were terrified by "Earthquake"... then you will be SCARED SHITLESS at the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of "That's Armageddon!" A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder: these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives. Game Show Host: If I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock, how would you wake me up? Guard #2: I wouldn't - I'm no ding-a-ling. Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money! [repeated line] Loo: What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation. Claude LaMont: I live ze unknown, I love ze unknown, I am ze unknown. Paul Burmaster: Claude, where are you living now? Claude LaMont: Zat... is unknown. I don't know. Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker! Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals! Henry Gibson: Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness. Pennington: These are the Hartz Mountains of Asia. A terrain so rugged, so treacherous, no country will claim it. Asquith: Worse then Detroit? Pennington: I'm afraid so. Pennington: Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution... Loo: And who are they? Dr. Klahn: Refuse, found in waterfront bars. Loo: Shanghaied? Dr. Klahn: Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care. Prisoner #1: Where are we? Prisoner #2: I don't care! Loo: And these? Dr. Klahn: These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink. Prisoner #3: I don't know who I am! Prisoner #4: Yeah. and I don't drink. Dr. Klahn: Guards! [moves prisoners] Do you care? Prisoner #5: No. Dr. Klahn: Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink. Guard: What do you drink? Prisoner #5: I don't care. Dr. Klahn: The CIA thinks they can infiltrate the Mountain of Dr. Klahn! CIA Agent: You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard. Dr. Klahn: Take him to... Detroit! CIA Agent: No! No, not Detroit! No! No, please! Anything but that! No! No! Dr. Klahn: No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude! Henry Gibson: In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer. Henry Gibson: It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk. Mrs. Hefsteder: Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives. Husband: Well, what's our little skeptic doing today? Housewife: She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil. [cat screams] PA Announcement: This is not a drill - drills go Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker... Klahn: [telephone rings, answering machine picks up] Herro. This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beyep. You have our gratitude. [gong sound] Hornung: Mr. Grunwald, in addition to your occupation as a spoon, is it not true that you are a driving instructor? Grunwald: No. Hornung: Then it is true. Grunwald: Yes. Hornung: That you're not a driving instructor? Grunwald: No. Hornung: Your Honor, I object to this line of questioning. Judge: Overruled. Hornung: Very well, then; I'd like some time to go over my briefs. Judge: Please. Hornung: [inspects his underwear] They're fine. Hornung: Ms. Filagree, as a passenger in the Grunwald vehicle, can you identify the man driving the blue Buick? Rita Filagree: Yes. Hornung: Is he in this courtroom right now? Rita Filagree: [breaks down crying] Yes! Hornung: Would you kindly point him out to me, please? Rita Filagree: I can't do it, I just can't do it! [Hornung holds up a dildo] Hornung: Young lady, are you familiar with the penile codes in this state? A.M. Newscaster: In the meantime this is A.M. Today. It's 18 minutes after the hour and time for our daily feature of debate: Count/Pointercount. Once again here are John Fitzsimmons and Sheila Hamilton. John Fitzsimmons: [alternately to Sheila and camera] Well Sheila, I guess even you and your liberal cronies have found the light at the end of the tunnel of love with our beloved president. The intellectuals have been much agitated and now, having gotten the presidency by exploiting the problems they themselves have manufactured, he has done his best to fuel their anxieties about him. Sheila, will you and your pack of bleeding heart liberals never learn that expanding welfare roles only accelerate inflation and inevitably hurt most those they purport to help? Sheila Hamilton: Why John, you old stick in the mud. [to camera] Sheila Hamilton: I've been listening to that horse shit of yours for months, and you can take that crap and blow it out your ass. And for good measure, sit on THIS, [flips the bird] Sheila Hamilton: John. Sex Record Voice: One of the most frequent problems encountered during the sexual act is that of premature ejaculation. [the man realizes that this just happened to him] Sex Record Voice: Should premature ejaculation occur, the Joy of Sex album comes equipped with BIG JIM SLADE. [Big Jim Slade bursts through the door] Sex Record Voice: Big Jim, former tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, is outfitted with various whips, chains, and a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off! [Big Jim carries the woman away] Sex Record Voice: Big Jim has satisfied women throughout the world, and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln! The Architect: I tell you this building is unsafe! [knocks his desk and the ceiling falls over his head] |
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