Information
| Year: | 2008 |
| Rating: | 7.2(104596) |
| Listed in: | Action, Adventure, Comedy |
| Directed by: | Ben Stiller |
| Actors: | Jeff Kahn Robert Downey Jr. Anthony Ruivivar Jack Black Jay Baruchel Brandon T. Jackson |
| "The movie they think they're making... isn't a movie anymore." | |
Cast
| Directed by | |
|---|---|
| Ben Stiller | |
| Actors | |
| Jeff Kahn | as Snooty Waiter - Fatties Trailer |
| Robert Downey Jr. | as Kirk Lazarus |
| Anthony Ruivivar | as Platoon Sergeant Shot in Head - Hot LZ |
| Jack Black | as Jeff Portnoy - Hot LZ |
| Jay Baruchel | as Kevin Sandusky - Hot LZ |
| Brandon T. Jackson | as Alpa Chino - Hot LZ |
| Ben Stiller | as Tugg Speedman - Hot LZ |
| Eric Winzenried | as Chopper Pilot - Hot LZ |
| Steve Coogan | as Damien Cockburn - Vietnam Crew |
| Matt Levin | as Cameraperson - Vietnam Crew |
| David Pressman | as First Assistant Director - Vietnam Crew |
| Danny McBride | as Cody - Vietnam Crew |
| Dempsey Silva | as Special Effects Assistant - Vietnam Crew |
| Bill Hader | as Studio Executive Rob Slolom - Vietnam Crew |
| Nick Nolte | as Four Leaf Tayback - Vietnam Crew |
| Jeff Weidemann | as Speedman Assistant - Vietnam Crew |
| Darryl Farmer | as Alpa's Posse - Vietnam Crew |
| Rod Tate | as Alpa's Posse - Vietnam Crew |
| Jel Galiza | as Speedman's Chef - Speedman's Mansion |
| Josiah Ancheta | as Speedman's Adopted Son - Speedman's Mansion |
| Matthew McConaughey | as Rick Peck - Peck's Office |
| Reggie Lee | as Byong - Flaming Dragon Compound |
| Trieu Tran | as Tru - Flaming Dragon Compound |
| Brandon Soo Hoo | as Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound |
| J. Thomas Chon | as Half Squat - Flaming Dragon Compound |
| Jacob Chon | as Half Squat - Flaming Dragon Compound |
| Tom Cruise | as Les Grossman - Grossman's Office |
| Mike Hoagland | as Grossman's Assistant - Grossman's Office |
| Jon Voight | as Himself - Awards Ceremony |
| Jason Bateman | as Himself - Awards Ceremony |
| Lance Bass | as Himself - Awards Ceremony |
| Don Abernathy | as Academy Award Attendee |
| Clark DeVol | as Sack Race Boy |
| Eric Feliciano | as Academy Awards Audience Member |
| Austin Honaker | as Academy Awards Attendee |
| Miko Hughes | as Radio DJ |
| Dave Johnson | as Journalist |
| Tobey Maguire | as Himself |
| The Mooney Suzuki | as Themselves |
| Chad Mountain | as Agency Assistant |
| Kevin Pollak | as Head Priest |
| DJ Rivers | as Award Show Security |
| Actresses | |
| Valerie Azlynn | as Damien's Assistant - Vietnam Crew |
| Amy Stiller | as Script Supervisor - Vietnam Crew |
| Nadine Ellis | as Speedman Assistant - Vietnam Crew |
| Rachel Avery | as Speedman Assistant - Vietnam Crew |
| Maria Menounos | as Herself - Access Hollywood |
| Tyra Banks | as Herself - The Tyra Banks Show |
| Christine Taylor | as Rebecca - Simple Jack Clip |
| Andrea de Oliveira | as Speedman's Trainer - Speedman's Mansion |
| Yvette Nicole Brown | as Peck's Assistant - Peck's Office |
| Mini Anden | as Grossman's Secretary - Grossman's Office |
| Jennifer Love Hewitt | as Herself - Awards Ceremony |
| Alicia Silverstone | as Herself - Awards Ceremony |
| Linda Bella | as Jon Voight's Date |
| Denise Bradley | as Academy Award Guest |
| Ella Christopher-Pantoliano | as Stewardess |
| Natalie Cohen | as Stewardess Stacey |
| Angela Daun | as Starlet |
| Kaylee Dodson | as Sack Race Girl |
| Jasmine Dustin | as Trophy Presenter |
| Jillian Johnston | as Four Leaf's Date |
| Fadhia Carmelle Marcelin | as Academy Awards Attendee |
| Kaye Marie | as Academy Awards Attendee |
| Anya Monzikova | as Trophy Presenter |
| Samantha Sadoff | as Farm Girl |
| Becca Sweitzer | as Go Go Dancer |
| Sandra Valladares | as Red Carpet Reporter |
| Julie Van | as Oscar Attendee |
| Jobeth Wagner | as Academy Awards Attendee |
Movie info
| Languages: | English, Mandarin |
| Filming dates: | 9 July 2007 - December 2007 |
| Budget: | USD 92,000,000 |
| Gross: |
USA - 96,541,629 USD (7 September 2008) UK - 8,387,745 GBP (19 October 2008) Philippines - 5,825,156 PHP (12 October 2008) Russia - 53,779,966 RUR (17 August 2008) |
| Plot: | A film crew is in Southeast Asia filming a Vietnam-war memoir. It's early in the shooting, but they're already behind schedule and over budget. On the day an accident befalls the novice director, the cast and crew are attacked by a gang of poppy-growing local drug dealers, except the cast and crew don't realize these aren't actors who are stalking them. The thugs kidnap Tugg Speedman, an actor whose star seems on the decline, and it's up to the rest of the ragtag team to band together long enough to attempt his rescue. But will Tugg want to leave? |
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Original Soundtracks
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"I Love Tha Pussy" Written by Darryl Farmer, Ronald Jackson, Brandon T. Jackson, Cisco Adler & Micah Givens Performed by Brandon T. Jackson "Gothic Monsters" Written by Chris Field & Bernhard Groinig Performed by Theodore Shapiro "Cum On Feel the Noize" Written by Noddy Holder (as Neville Holder) & Jim Lea (as James Lea) Performed by Quiet Riot Courtesy of Epic Records By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music Entertainment "The Four Seasons: Spring' - Allegro" Performed by 'Capella Istropolitana Courtesy of Naxos By Arrangement with Source/Q "Brick House" Written by Lionel Richie , Ronald LePread (as Ronald LaPread), Walter Orange, Milan Williams, Thomas McClary & William King Performed by David Way "U Can't Touch This" Written by Alonzo Miller, Rick James & M.C. Hammer (as MC Hammer) Performed by M.C. Hammer (as MC Hammer) Courtesy of Capitol Records Under license from EMI Film & Television Music "Sadeness, Pt. 1" Written by Michael Cretu (as Curly M.C.), Frank Peterson (as F. Gregorian) & David Fairstein Performed by Enigma Courtesy of EMI Music Germany Under license from EMI Film & Television Music "Ball of Confusion (That's What The World Is Today)" Written by Norman Whitfield (as Norman J. Whitfield) & Barrett Strong Performed by The Temptations Courtesy of Motown Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Escalation" Written by Marc Ferrari & Matt Hirt Performed by Matt Hirt Courtesy of Marc Ferrari/MasterSource "Ready Set Go" Written by Nick Grant Performed by Ben Gidsjoy Courtesy of Sublime Music By Arrangement with Zync Music Inc. "I Just Want To Celebrate" Written by Dino Fekaris, Nick Zesses Performed by The Mooney Suzuki "The Name Of The Game" Written by Ken Jordan , Scott Kirkland & Tom Morello Performed by The Crystal Method Courtesy of Geffen Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "I'd Love To Change The World" Written by Alvin Lee Performed by Ten Years After Courtesy of Chrysalis Records Ltd. Under license from EMI Film & Television Music "The Pusher" Written by Hoyt Axton Performed by Steppenwolf Courtesy of Geffen Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Sympathy For The Devil" Written by Mick Jagger & Keith Richards Performed by The Rolling Stones Courtesy of ABKCO Music & Records, Inc. "Music from 'Star Trek' episode 'Arena'" ("Star Trek" (1966) {Arena (#1.18)}) Written by Alexander Courage Courtesy of CBS Studios Inc. "Movin' On Up" Written by Ja'net DuBois (as Janet Dubois) & Jeff Barry "Low" Written by Flo Rida, Montay Humphrey, Korey Roberson, Howard Simmons & Faheem Najm (as T-Pain) Performed by Flo Rida featuring Faheem Najm (as T-Pain) Courtesy of Atlantic Recording Corp. By Arrangement with Warner Music Group & TV Licensing T-Pain appears courtesy of Jive Records By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music Entertainment "Sometimes When We Touch" Written by Dan Hill & Barry Mann Performed by Dan Hill Courtesy of McCauley Music Ltd. Masters Administered by Bug "Do Me!" Written by Ricky Bell (as Ricardo Bell), Michael Lamone Bivins (as Michael Bivins), Carl Bourelly & Ronald De Voe "For What It's Worth" Written by Stephen Stills Performed by Buffalo Springfield Courtesy of Elektra Entertainment Group By Arrangement with Warner Music Group & TV Licensing "Frankenstein" Written by Edgar Winter Performed by The Edgar Winter Group Courtesy of Epic Records By Arrangement with Sony BMG Music Entertainment "The Name Of The Game (The Crystal Method's Big Ass T.T. Mix)" Written by Ken Jordan , Scott Kirkland & Tom Morello Performed by The Crystal Method Courtesy of Geffen Records Under license from Universal Music Enterprises "Get Back" Written by Ludacris (as Christopher Bridges) & Dominic Bazile Performed by Ludacris Courtesy of The Island Def Jam Music Group Under license from Universal Music Enterprises |
Goofs
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CHAR: At one point, Tugg says one actor may win a Teen Choice Award, and claims that "they'll slime you and everything!". Teen Choice Award winners get surfboards. The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards show is famous for sliming winners. Continuity: When Tugg Speedman talks to Kirk Lazarus, the backpack strap on his right shoulder is sometimes over the carabiner and sometimes beside it. Continuity: During one of the Les' rampages via teleconference, his wedding ring disappears and reappears a couple of times. Continuity: After Tugg Speedman's performance of 'Simple Jack', he is in a room cleaning off his makeup. When he wipes his face with a wet towel, most of the white is gone. However, when he turns around to meet little Half-Squat, it has reappeared. CHAR: When Lazarus is talking to Tugg about Simple Jack' he claims that an actor should never go "full retard" and mentions 'Peter Sellers (Being There (1979)), Dustin Hoffman (Rain Man (1988)), Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump (1994)), and Sean Penn (I Am Sam (2001)) as examples. He claims that Sean Penn is the only one of those to go "full retard" and come away without an Oscar after being nominated. However, Peter Sellers did not win an Oscar for his role in "Being There" as well. CHAR: When Tran says "Ni shi biandan Jack," he continues to say it as he turns to his crew/gang members, with "Ni" meaning "You." He should have said, "Ta shi biandan Jack," "Ta" meaning "He/She." Revealing mistakes: When Jeff Portnoy sees the mountain of heroin he runs over and puts his fingers up by it. If you look at his fingers you can clearly tell that he has already dipped his hands into the fixture during an earlier take. Continuity: SPOILER: When the group is about to leave the landing zone after the director is blown up, Kirk Lazarus is clearly seen removing his shotgun from his side holster. When the angle changes and we see the entire group in line, his shotgun is back in the holster and he removes it again. Continuity: In the scene where Pecker is talking to Tugg about the TiVo, Tugg's slider phone alternates between open and closed. Continuity: SPOILER: In the scene where Tugg is stabbing the panda, he pulls the knife out of the panda but in the next shot the knife is back in the panda and he is mourning the panda's death. Continuity: During the opening scene, the helicopters are seen from the side and are initially "slicks", and empty. No troops inside, no rocket pods or machine guns mounted at the doors. After diving down and seen from the rear, the Huey's now have rocket pods mounted on the skids and machine guns hanging out of the doors. Further scenes show door gunners and some troops now inside. Continuity: After the director and actors land in the jungle the director says he will shoot with his video camera. As he is talking and turning around the position of his hand holding the camera changes. First he holds it from underneath then as he turns and the films camera changes angles he is holding it from the top of his camera. Continuity: When the gang are sitting and talking around the campfire, the water buffalo is behind Kirk. In the next shot the water buffalo is standing next to Kirk and he's petting it. Continuity: In the scene after Tugg ('Ben Stiller' (qv)) split up from the group, the three can be seen walking through the jungle. Jeff ('Jack Black (I)' (qv)) is walking at the end of the group and shot from 3 different angles while claiming he's tired of carrying the gun. The way of carrying changes between shots from hanging from his shoulder to holding in his hands. FAIR: Towards the beginning on the movie when the character gets disemboweled with a bayonet in the stomach, when the attacker removes the rifle (supposedly with the bayonet attached) it is obvious there is no bayonet attached to the rifle. However, since this scene is part of a mega-budget movie being filmed, it is likely this goof would be fixed later in post-production with a CGI bayonet. Continuity: During the assault on the heroin plant, the actors have 4 M16's but there are only 3 people equipped with M16's at the drop-off - Tugg (captured), Sandusky and Alpa. So they would only have access to 2 M16's a shotgun and a M60, not 4 M16's and no other weapons. FAIR: SPOILER: At the end of the film, Tugg is presented his Academy Award for Best Actor award by Kirk Lazarus, the previous year's winner. In reality, the Best Actor award has historically (until 2009) always presented by the previous year's Best Actress, and vice versa. However, the back story for the character of Kirk Lazarus includes that he won Best Actress' for his role as 'Gloria Steinem, because as a true method actor he was so convincing in a female role (though in reality he still would have won Best Actor.) FAIR: In the opening moments, we are told the location is "South East Vietnam." Later the specific setting is Quang Tri. During the Vietnam War, Quang Tri was South Vietnam's northernmost province. However, it is specified that Quang Tri was the location of the "set" of Tropic Thunder, not that it was the location of the events on which the film was based. FAIR: SPOILER: "Tropic Blunder" could have been a documentary, since it was about the making of the film. Therefore, Tugg would have been ineligible for a Best Actor Oscar, since he was just telling his own story in the documentary. However, it is more likely that Tropic Blunder is actually a fictional account of the making of the film, with Tugg appearing as himself, and thereby winning the Oscar. Continuity: After Les Grossman hangs up on Flaming Dragon, he and Pecker sit down to and talk about what will happen if Tugg is killed, and you see the people in the room start to leave the room, then it cuts back to Les and his assistant nods his head to leave and you can see the people leaving the room again. Continuity: Shortly after Cockburn gets punched in the nose, blood drips down to his chin. Next time the camera show Cockburn, there is no blood on his chin. Continuity: When the gang are sitting and talking around the campfire, the rifle leaning on the rock between Alpha and Sandusky appears/disappears between angle shots. FAIR: The north Vietnam flag appear early in the film (the read flag with yellow star). But in South Vietnam, it was not used by the VC. However, the story was that Tayback had been liberated from an NVA (North Vietnamese Army) prison camp, thus it is accurate for them to have a North Vietnamese flag. CHAR: Tran, the child soldier heroin warlord, carries an automatic rifle but wears a bandoleer filled with bullets. Instead, he should be carrying extra magazines, already loaded with bullets. Continuity: When Portnoy is cut down off the water buffalo, and he lands on the ground on his back, the stunt double's arms are still bound and are above his head. Next shot shows Jack Black 's hands still bound, but are over his chest. Continuity: During the dramatic scene between Speedman and Lazarus in the beginning of the movie, the amount of dirt on Speedman's face constantly changes. Continuity: During the opening scene, the flags behind Cockburn disappear and reappear between shots. Continuity: When Jeff discovers the ox, the mud on his left hand disappears between shots. CHAR: Les Grossman says that "Speedman is a dying star, a white dwarf heading for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable." But a white dwarf do not head for a black hole, white dwarf is the final state of average and small stars. White dwarfs will eventually become black dwarfs once they cool off, in a very very long time, so long that there's no known black dwarf existed in our universe. Continuity: In the scene where Kirk says "I think I might be nobody," you can see Sandusky in the background lower his gun at this quote, then in the next shot, he lowers his gun again. CHAR: SPOILER: When Four-Leaf is introduced as the author of the book during the video call with Les Grossman, an 82nd Airborne pin is visible on his hat, and a 1st Cavalry Regiment is seen on his jacket. Both of those units are Army units. However, he confesses later on to have been in the Coast Guard. Even if he was in the Army, there is no way he could have been in both of those units. Continuity: During the beginning battle scene. When Kirk Lazarus is speaking to Alpa Chino. In the the first shot when Alpa is walking up to the Kirk a strap on his helmet is dangling down. In the next shot it is up crossing diagonally over the afro pick. In the next shot the strap is dangling down again. Revealing mistakes: When they are distracting the rebels with Jeff, Alpa and Sandusky are treading through the water holding up their guns. A close up shows a normal shot of the guns, but from far away Sandusky's gun still has a plug on it. FAIR: The drug traffickers encountered late in the film, despite being in Laos (Sandusky estimates they're not in Vietnam anymore), speak Mandarin Chinese - a fact noted by Kirk, who uses his crappy knowledge of it to attempt to bluff his way into the heroin plant. PLOT: SPOILER: After the crew first spots the heroin processing plant in the jungle, Sandusky comments that they were in the chopper for hours flying to their drop point, however those Hueys only carry about 2 hours worth of fuel. So they either stopped at various points along the way to refuel (at which point someone might have noticed where they really were or were headed), or they flew for just under two hours and had a refuel point somewhere near the drop point (which also doesn't make sense seeing as how they ended up in/near "the world's hard drug superhighway"). Either way, the copter would have been at bingo fuel and wouldn't have been able to fly them all the way to the drop point, then back to the heroin processing plant, and then used to help them escape. GEOG: There are no pandas in Southeast Asia. They are indigenous only to certain northwest-central provinces of China. CHAR: In the news coverage early in the film, "province" (of Vietnam) is repeatedly misspelled "provence". CHAR: During the "Access Hollywood" (1996) sequence, the map which appears on screen identifies "North Vietnam" and "South Vietnam", even though Vietnam is now one country. CHAR: The Gap only sells merchandise under its own label; therefore, Alpa Chino could have not sold a line of "Alpa Chino chinos" at The Gap, as he claims. PLOT: SPOILER: The introduction to the movie has Four Leaf Tayback explaining that the plot of the movie-within-the movie is based on his book, but that "Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published." But if Four-Leaf made up the events of his book, who wrote the other published book about the rescue? |
Quotes
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Les Grossman: Now I want you to take a step back... and literally fuck your own face! Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script. The script reads me. Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] What do you mean, "you people?" Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do *you* mean, "you people?" Kirk Lazarus: Huh? Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt... [pause] Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded. Kirk Lazarus: Damn! Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb. Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron. Tugg Speedman: Yeah! Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical. Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron. Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile. Tugg Speedman: Yeah! Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived. Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character. Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] Goodbye mama, now you can have ice cream in heavan! I'll see you again tonight when I go to bed in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain! Kevin Sandusky: Tugg. Tugger. You're the last piece of the puzzle buddy. We need you! Your men need you. Are you with us? Tugg Speedman: [pause] I'm a rooster illusion. Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We'll deal with him later. Kirk Lazarus: Cover me, limp dick fuck-ups! Jeff Portnoy: [to Four Leaf] You grew hands? Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We're supposed to be a unit! Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit. Cody: Damian, what's the dealie dude? Are we gonna blow up this tree line or what? Tuk-Tuk and Kim got the blue balls and I wanna let em squirt it for a go... Peter, can he hear me? [one of the men bring a box to Cody] Cody: That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He's making a fucking sweater here, I'm tryin' to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts. Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career. Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you. Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really? Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties. Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that. Les Grossman: Ah... joking. Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy. Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job. [Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay] Jeff Portnoy: Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now. Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy! Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this. [Tugg has just killed a panda] Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world. Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker! Tugg Speedman: [the boy hands him a box, he removes the cloth from the box and looks inside] A little twig-man oscar. I 'm going to call you half-squat, and you can call me... papa Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You make my pee-pee maker t-t-tingle. Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box. Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous. Cody: [after blowing up a row of palm trees with napalm] Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit! Rick Peck: I got the TiVo! Alpa Chino: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons! Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true. Cody: I don't know what it's called; I only know the sound it makes when it *lies*! Les Grossman: Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable. Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck. Les Grossman: The universe... is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen. [turns on Flo Rider's "Low" and begins to dance to the beat] See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun! Ask... and you shall receive! Studio Executive Rob Slolom: [dancing along] Right... Les Grossman: You play ball... we play ball. I knoowwww... you want the goodies! Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room! Les Grossman: You paying attention? I'm talking... G5, Pecker! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa... playa! Big dick playa! Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees! Les Grossman: Big dick, baby! Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Yep. Les Grossman: [turns off the music] Or... you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you. Rick Peck: Now let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone, for some money and a G5? Les Grossman: Yes. Rick Peck: [pause] A G5 airplane? Les Grossman: Yes... and lots of money... playaaaa! [turns on the music and dances again] Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 40, you're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: "One more flop, and it's over." Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me? Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die! Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million... Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself. Scorcher Preview Narrator: Now the one man who made a difference five times before... is about to make a difference again, only time this, its different. Cody: [rigging a bridge with explosives] That's it! I'm going into catering after this! Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard. Tugg Speedman: What do you mean? Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed... Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated. Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man, you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's in the story"... What's her name? Alpa Chino: ...Lance Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance? Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance? Alpa Chino: No! No, I didn't say Lance. I said Nance. Kevin Sandusky: It sounded a lot like Lance. Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars. Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead? Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole! This motha' fucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here! Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude! Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary. [Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound] Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we? Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the states. Cody: Wait what? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude you weren't even in the fucking service? Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard! Cody: Coast Guard. Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department. Cody: Oh my god! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.! Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot! Cody: Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - it's like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you! Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time! Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please? Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You m-m-m-mmm-m-make me happy. Kirk Lazarus: You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man. Kevin Sandusky: There's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown. Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha! Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That's how we all talk? We all talk like dis, "suh"? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack! [hops away like a kangaroo] Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man. Jeff Portnoy: I don't wanna die like Hendrix man! Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down. Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene! Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it's time to flip the script! We'll get to Chinese New Year waitin' for my man to cry. Alpa Chino: [why he's in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee! Kirk Lazarus: Pump your breaks, kid, that man's a national treasure. Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo. Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson! Jeff Portnoy: [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ha! Motherfucker ODed! Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad. Kirk Lazarus: Well to the man's credit, he has eased up on the retard throttle. Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it. Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les! Les Grossman: [communicating with the production team in a video conference] Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn? Damien Cockburn: Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time. Les Grossman: And who here is the key grip? [the key grip raises his hand] Les Grossman: You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard! Key Grip: [reluctantly walks over to Damien] Sorry, man. [punches him in the face] Les Grossman: This is all your fault, you limey FUCK! Les Grossman: I will fucking massacre you! Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgatin' me, ya pasty teabag! I'm goin' potty. Wanna hold my dick? Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg] We're tired of being your trail donkeys! Wandering around the jungle like you some kinda one man GPS! We lost man! We fucking lost! Kirk Lazarus: [to Kevin] Tell him McKlutsky! Tell him what time it is! Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes? Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there. Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese? Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months. Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs. [cocks his gun] Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!" Tugg Speedman: What? Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..." Les Grossman: Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring... Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy. So why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass... Kirk Lazarus: Let's make lemonade. Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging... Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris... [rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair] Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off]... nor am I Father O'Mallie... Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard]... or Neil Armstrong... [Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath] Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody. Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous! [as Father O'Mallie from the "Satan's Alley" trailer] Kirk Lazarus: I've been a bad boy, father. Cody: [setting off a rig of explosives] Big ass titties! Les Grossman: First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! Jeff Portnoy: [shoves drugs in guards' faces] Take this you bastards! Oh hilarious! [the guards drop to the ground] Jeff Portnoy: Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up! Alpa Chino: Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers. Kirk Lazarus: [cocks unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back. Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight? Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat. Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat? Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee. Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure. Alpa Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie. Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny. Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks! Alpa Chino: I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack! I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby. Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid. Alpa Chino: [slaps Lazarus] Told you I'd tag you back. Kirk Lazarus: Did I tell you I was sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I just got caught up in bein'... Alpa Chino: In bein' a dumbass? Kirk Lazarus: I guess so. Alpa Chino: Why you're still doin' this chicken-door shit? I have no idea. Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I. Alpa Chino: It's beyond me. Kirk Lazarus: It's beyond me. Alpa Chino: You're confused. Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused. Alpa Chino: I know. Kirk Lazarus: [after a long pause] But are we cool? Alpa Chino: Not really. Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: Where is your farm... [points a gun at Lazarus] Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: ...AMERICAN? Kirk Lazarus: My farm? Here's my mothafuckin' farm! [pulls out guns and starts firing and whooping] Kirk Lazarus: I'm a lead farmer, mothafucka! Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee! Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure. Alpa Chino: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie! Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny. Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks! Alpa Chino: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby! Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines. Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax! Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me- [is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back] Kirk Lazarus: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down. Alpa Chino: What the fuck? Kirk Lazarus: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby... Alpa Chino: [pulling away] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help. Kirk Lazarus: Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true. Kirk Lazarus: [in an interview on Access Hollywood] Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms which trigger human emotion. [opening line] Four Leaf Tayback: In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near-suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. And of those two, only one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie. Four Leaf Tayback: Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors. Les Grossman: [beat] Who is this guy? Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Les, that's Four Leaf. Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book. Les Grossman: Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job! Kirk Lazarus: Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion. Kevin Sandusky: Don't drink that water! That water's like a petri dish! Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat? Alpa Chino: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat! Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass-water. That'll bring him around, it's a cure-all... Tugg Speedman: You tell the world what happened here. Kirk Lazarus: What happened here? Tugg Speedman: I don't know, but you need to tell them. [Tugg turns around and walks back over the bridge] Jeff Portnoy: Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die! Four Leaf Tayback: Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let's go! Kirk Lazarus: You've got hands? Fuck, you've got hands? Cody: Just say no to this, you drug-making midget! [an explosion occurs] Cody: Oh my God! I am moving to catering after this! Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disgused as another dude! Kevin Sandusky: What? Kirk Lazarus: You're a dude that don't know what dude he is! Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is... Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about? Tugg Speedman: - by playing other dudes? Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me. Kirk Lazarus: That's your stick buddy? Tugg Speedman: His name is Twiggman. Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us? Alpa Chino: [Cody and Four-Leaf are tied to a post] What're you guys doing here? Cody: He has hands! Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien! Cody: Bullshit! Four Leaf Tayback: He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis! Cody: Almost! Alpa Chino: What're you talking about? Damien stepped on an old land mine. Cody: Oh, sweet, thank God! Kevin Sandusky: Hey, Radar. Elvins. Kevin Sandusky: It's Kevin. Jeff Portnoy: Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me. Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out. Jeff Portnoy: Your mother's a cankerous whore! Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man! Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not. Rick Peck: How's the adoption thing going? Tugg Speedman: Not good. Rick Peck: At least you get to choose yours. I'm stuck with mine. Rick Peck: [about Speedman] They're going to kill him! Les Grossman: And we'll weep for him... in the press, set up a scholarship in his name, eventually - and I'm talkin' way, way down the road - we file an insurance claim. Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose. Les Grossman: We don't negotiate with terrorists. Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half-Squat Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is "Half-Squat"? Jeff Portnoy: [heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard. Kirk Lazarus: Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Now, Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal! Les Grossman: Fuck the jungle! Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit! Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole, this muthafucka's dead ain't no Chris Angel Mind Freak, David Blaine trap door, horseshit jumpin' off here. Tugg Speedman: Hey, you wanna get on the train here or you wanna ruin another take, huh? Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture! Tugg Speedman: Are you sure? Kirk Lazarus: Oh yea. Tugg Speedman: Yeah? Kirk Lazarus: For certain man. Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character? Hm? Kirk Lazarus: [pause] I know but I don't have to tell you... Tugg Speedman: You don't know. Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary. Special Effects Assistant: They're bustin' caps like a muthafucka down there. [pause] This is F.U.B.A.R. I say we juice 'em, what do you think? Four Leaf Tayback: Juice 'em. Special Effects Assistant: [triggers the C4] Big ass titties! Kirk Lazarus: [referring to Damien dying] He ain't acting like God. He being judged by him. Rick Peck: You can't be serious? Les Grossman: You kick in the door to my house all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap for the 3rd runner-up "sexiest man alive" 1998... And you're asking if I'm SERIOUS? Kirk Lazarus: Cover me! Kevin Sandusky: [Others are yelling at him to come back in helicopter] How do we cover him? Kevin Sandusky: [Jeff staring at heroin] Jeff! Don't! Jeff Portnoy: Doesn't matter what I do. I'll always be a screw-up no one will ever respect me. Kevin Sandusky: That is not true, you're not screw-up you make so many people laugh. Jeff Portnoy: They only laugh at my farts. Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, we really need to go now! Jeff Portnoy: This is all I deserve. [Jeff grabs the pile heroin] Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!" Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg. Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who? Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you? Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude. Kevin Sandusky: What? Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is! Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is... Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about? Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes. Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am! Tugg Speedman: You're scared. Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what? Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who? Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who! Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go! Tugg Speedman: Scared of you! Kevin Sandusky: [to Jeff] I got a baaaad feeling on this one there, Fats. Jeff Portnoy: [as Fats] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang! Kirk Lazarus: How's it goin' with that map, Chief? Tugg Speedman: Huh? Kirk Lazarus: Can I have a look at it? Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah. Damien gave it to me, remember? Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us. Tugg Speedman: Uh-Huh. Yeah. Kirk Lazarus: Okay. Tugg Speedman: I got it. Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down. Tugg Speedman: Thank you. Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. I'm just. Dude, I'm tryin'. I got your back man. Tugg Speedman: Well I-I'm cool, alright? Kirk Lazarus: You are cool? Tugg Speedman: Yeah, but... Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslectic? Tugg Speedman: No, the character is not dyslec... Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer! Kirk Lazarus: [to Damien] Hey, man! One week down, two weeks behind, G.I. Joe can't cry, but it don't matter 'cause you didn't have the camera turned on anyway. Let's party! [Peck bursts into Grossman's office unannounced] Les Grossman: What do you need, Peck? Rick Peck: What do YOU need, Les? Glasses? Les Grossman: ...What? Jeff Portnoy: Listen you cherry fuck, you call in that snake'n nape and get us some boomboom now! Kirk Lazarus: Want some? Get Some! Les Grossman: Let's face it, the kids aren't exactly dressing up as The Scorcher for Purim anymore. Tugg Speedman: That's the trailer right there. Kirk Lazarus: Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy, and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up? Tugg Speedman: Yeah. Kirk Lazarus: That's kind of how you look right now. Tugg Speedman: Yeah? Kirk Lazarus: Not Rambo I but II. Tugg Speedman: Really? Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, when he was cut up. Tugg Speedman: I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know... Kirk Lazarus: Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man. Tugg Speedman: Thanks. Kirk Lazarus: What's the secret, dude? Tugg Speedman: It's a diet. I'm just dieting. Kirk Lazarus: Really? Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough. Tugg Speedman: You look good. Kirk Lazarus: Any tips? Tugg Speedman: What? Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got? Tugg Speedman: There's, like, the pineapple... Kirk Lazarus: - Give me that goddamn map! [Snatches map from Tugg Speedman] Fuck you! Tugg Speedman: Hey! Kirk Lazarus: Hey! Tugg Speedman: Look, Kirk, no offense. I know you're the big, fancy actor here, but I've done a lot more effect-driven films than you have and I think I can spot... [Picks up Damien's severed head] Tugg Speedman: a prop head when I see one! [People around him gag] Tugg Speedman: It's corn syrup, guys! Corn syrup and latex. [Digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste; gets disgusted look on his face] Tugg Speedman: Warm... blood-flavored corn syrup. Tugg Speedman: Tell the world what happened here. Kirk Lazarus: What happened here? Alpa Chino: Then what are we supposed to do, huh, 'cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets. Now that's the plan? Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous. Kirk Lazarus: And the Oscar goes to. Yes! Tugg Speedman for "Tropic Blunder: The True Story Behind The Making Of The Most Expensive Fake True War Movie Ever" Kirk Lazarus: [about Damian] Hey asshole. This motherfucker's dead. Ain't no Chriss Angel Mindfreak David Blaine Trapdoor shit jumping off here Tugg Speedman: Hey, You wanna get in line or do you want blow another take. Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no takes. Ain't no goddamn motion picture Tugg Speedman: Are you sure? Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah Kevin Sandusky: [Kevin walks up to Jeff and causes him to spill his heroin] Hey Jeff what are you doin? Jeff Portnoy: Fuckin'. Nothing man I'm eating jelly beans Kevin Sandusky: Whoa jelly beans can I have... Jeff Portnoy: No you can't have any fuckin' jelly beans! You think you're the only one who gets uptight when he doesn't get his jellybeans Studio Executive Rob Slolom: It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. "Crisis", "explosion", "not rolling", "fired". These are just words. Tugg Speedman: Wait, what? Kirk Lazarus: Are you serious, you don't know? Man, everyone knows you never go full retard. Tugg Speedman: What do you mean? Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man - looks retarded, acts retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cars, autistic, sho', not retarded. You got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump - slow yes, retarded maybe, but he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping pong competition, that ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, Being There - infatile yes, retarded no. You went full retard, man... Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam - went full retard, went home empty handed. Les Grossman: [talking to Peck] Look fuck-stick, I'm incredibly busy, so why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass. Les Grossman: [Peck looks dumbfounded] No, not you Helen, but I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theatres. Kirk Lazarus: Here's my motherfuckin' farm! Jeff Portnoy: Alpa, if you come over here and untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now. Alpa Chino: I told you! I'm not gay! I love the pussy! Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe and swallow the gravy! Get it over here! |
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