Information
| Year: | 2001 | ||||||||||
| Rating: | 9.1(57377) | ||||||||||
| Listed in: | Comedy, Drama, Tv-Shows | ||||||||||
| Languages: | English, German, Spanish, American Sign Language | ||||||||||
| Latest Episodes: |
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Goofs
| FAIR: The x-ray with the show's title shown in the beginning is turned the wrong way: the heart should be seen on the right hand side. This was an intentional mistake put in by creator Bill Lawrence to represent the core idea of the show: young doctors in over their heads. Bill Lawrence reminds viewers that this goof was completely intentional in interviews, DVD commentaries, and virtually any other available opportunity. |
Original Soundtracks
| "Superman" Written and Performed by Lazlo Bane (Main theme) |
Quotes
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[to an annoying patient] Dr. Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as... oh, I don't know... your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends... well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of "About Last Night" and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now. Jill Tracy: So you do scary little speeches. How adorable! J.D.: Go ahead, insult me like you always do. Janitor: Too easy. When you least expect it... [to JD] Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that. Dr. Cox: ...And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were. Dr. Cox: [in response to something J.D. just said] Oh, my God! I care so little, I almost passed out! [Turk is asking Dr. Kelso for a favor] Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything, I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer - I'll volunteer at the clinic; Whatever you want! Dr. Kelso: Ahh! I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic! Turk: You keep Enid in the attic? Elliot: I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them. J.D.: Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage. Elliot: Well, if you don't it gets mildewy. J.D.: You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney. [about Dr. Cox and Jordan] Carla: Why does he keep going back to her? Turk: I don't know. Why do people keep marrying Larry King? The man looks like a frog. Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward. Carla: [about a male intern] You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt. Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted. J.D.: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt; I have a cute butt. Carla: You should bring it in someday. Dr. Cox: Look. Barry... Barry's a... he's a great guy. Turk: Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking, unless Cox says you're a great guy. Dr. Cox: Come on, pally, guy's been on the transplant list for three stinkin' years - this is a no-brainer. Turk: You're right. He's out. Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off... Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems to Work" Day. This is just "Work" Day. J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do. Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours? J.D.: Yes! Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor? J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge? [silence] Janitor: Dammit. Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth. [Dr. Cox and the pregnant Jordan are walking through towards a Nurses' Station] Dr. Cox: Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's amnio underway? Jordan: Wow, I can't wait to write that down in the baby journal. [Dr. Cox grunts] Jordan: Could you be a bigger ass right now? Dr. Cox: Could you *have* a bigger ass right now? Elliot: My life is a mess! J.D.: At least you're pretty. Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent! Carla: It does for my sister. Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute? Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak. Turk: How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp? Dr. Kelso: The real question is: how can I make love to her when she's *not* at fat camp? [about his wife] Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet! J.D.: You see, surgical and medical interns are kinda like two rival gangs. Not real gangs, more like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals. Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. Turk: What? Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle. Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls. Carla: Elliot, you know how they say, "No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself?" Elliot: My mother used to say, "No one will ever love you." J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor... [the Janitor rolls his eyes] J.D.: ...I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out. Janitor: When did you see my penis? J.D.: Last night, when you were showering. Janitor: Where were you? J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes. [the Janitor takes a second to process this answer] Janitor: Uhhh... J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know! Janitor: What? Why? J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours! [Dr. Kelso has punctured his eardrums] Ted: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it! Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now. Ted: [frightened] Who's Ted? Elliot: [about a patient] This might sound weird, but I'm in love with that guy. And if I don't sleep with him, I'm gonna kill myself! It's inappropriate to jump a patient, isn't it? Carla: Totally. Elliot: Have you ever done it? Carla: Tons of times. [Turk comes up to them] Turk: Tons of times what, baby? Carla: [smiling] Nothing, baby. [Turk is picking a team for a basketball game. JD throws a basketball and it hits him on the head, knocking him unconscious] Turk: I got that guy. Dr. Cox: It's time. Sit down and listen up, Newbie. I suppose you want me to say you're great... That you've raised the bar for interns everywhere? J.D.: I'm cool with that! Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not going to say that. You're doing okay. Someday you might even be better than that. But right now, all I see is a guy who's so preoccupied with wondering what everyone else thinks about him, that he doesn't have anytime to think whether or not he believes in himself. Did you ever wonder why I told you to write your own evaluation? J.D.: I don't have a safe answer for that. I just figured that... you... Dr. Cox: Clam up, Newbie! I wanted you to think about yourself... and I mean *really* think!... What are you good at? What do you suck at? And write it down. Not so I could read it, or anyone else could read it. But so *you* could read it! You see in the end, Newbie, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso, or even to your patients, for God's sake! The only one you have to answer to, Newbie, is you! There, *you are* evaluated. Now get out of here, because you truly make me so damn mad I might just hurt myself! Janitor: What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool? Dr. Cox: Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee? Carla: I said 'It's so good it's like crack'. [nurses stare] Dr. Cox: Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was. Carla: So what I'm not funny? Dr. Cox: I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude... Turk: Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do Dr. Cox: Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch. [flash to Cox as the maid] Am I right? [cut back] Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern... Snoop Dogg Intern: Yo! Dr. Cox: Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack. Ted: I am? Dr. Cox: Yes Ted: Awwwww! Dr. Cox: And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T [points pinky and makes sipping motion] . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says. Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke. Dr. Cox: The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes. Ted: I'm not really a sad sack? Carla: Ted your pen exploded. Ted: [looks at shirt] Awww! [realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head] AWWWW MAN! Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring. [points to self] Janitor: [J.D. and Turk have been stealing hospital supplies] Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here? J.D.: [stammers] No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper. Janitor: [Janitor stares] J.D.: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt. Janitor: Bidet? J.D.: BIDET to you sir. Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us so get your crap out by Friday. J.D.: Friday? Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place. Carla: Whose place? J.D.: Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses. Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass. J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooh! Turk: I'll be there. J.D.: Gracias, amigo. [to Carla] I borrowed one of your dictionaries. J.D.: [thinking] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it... Elliot: [when JD walks by Elliot and Carla] Carla, I can sense you're upset, talk to me! J.D.: [looks confused, the continues walking and thinks] OK, but Turk is a prideful guy and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive Dr. Cox: [when JD walks by Dr. Cox and Jordan] Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive... J.D.: [looking back to the hallway, thinking] Touché, magic hallway! Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't Dr Turk, friendly face of Sacred Heart. Turk: Yeah, Dr Kelso, umm, about these posters... They're kinda making me uncomfortable. Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way. Well here's what we're gonna do... I'm gonna leave them up. Turk: I can live with that... Or I can sue you. Dr. Kelso: Dr Turk, you are an employee here. I can use your image, your name, I can manufacture tiny Dr Turk action figures that cost $12.95 and when you pull the string it'll say "I don't like these posters of me." Isn't that right, Ted? Ted: Oh, definitely, sir. Of course you'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint. Dr. Kelso: How long? Ted: Sir, that lawsuit would be over so quickly, I'd advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr Turk would be driving your Beemer home to his place. Dr. Kelso: Do you want me to order you a clown? J.D.: A drunk clown hurt me once. Turk: Who are these guys? J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread. Turk: When do you find time to see your patients? J.D.: Between these thoughts. J.D.: [JD and Turk are lying on the ground] Why are we lying in the parking lost? Turk: Your hook shot knocked you unconscious and I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'. J.D.: Oh. Thanks S.C.B. By the way I should tell you something. I found an apartment and I'm moving out the day after tomorrow. Turk: Wow. What does S.C.B. mean? J.D.: Super. Chocolate. Bear. Turk: I love it. Turk: It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date. J.D.: Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me? Turk: He was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying. J.D.: Dude! Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean? Dr. Cox: So, now... why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi? Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed... and he has an awesome CD collection. Dr. Cox: Seriously, what got you to the point where you weren't scared any more? Carla: Please! I'm still terrified! I mean, good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why? Dr. Cox: Why? Carla: Ate 'em all. Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me. Dr. Kelso: When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, not a doctor in sight. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load. [smiling] Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. [smile withers] Jackass. Elliot: Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place and it has finally paid off! J.D.: You got the fellowship? Elliot: No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics! Carla: Heeeey! That old clown was really good. So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill! [she laughs, but everyone else just looks at her blankly] Carla: Dammit, I'm funny! Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, I need to get Enid a birthday present. Elliot: Ahh! When's her birthday? Dr. Kelso: I think it was last week. Elliot: Um... well, a scarf is always nice. Dr. Kelso: That's perfect. It's simple; it's elegant; and it'll hide her turkey neck. [J.D. and Carla watches a movie with J.D.'s girlfriend Danni] Danni Sullivan: Love "The Fugitive". Who would you rather sleep with, Tommy Lee Jones or Harrison Ford? J.D.: Harrison Ford, hands down. [the girls look at him] J.D.: ...But you were probably talking to Carla. I'm having such a gay day! Carla: *Day*? Turk: Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me! I'm marrying Carla - who do you think wears the pants? And the shirts... and the shoes... and sometimes my underwear. Elliot: Really? Turk: I said nothing. [Dr. Cox looks up towards the ceiling] Dr. Cox: Now, I know you say you love us all equally. But you don't, do ya? I'm onto you, Big Man. Carla: You really want to be a security guard? Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green? Turk: The uniforms are black and grey. Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now? J.D.: Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something? Dr. Cox: The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power. Elliot: Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts? Nurse Roberts: Have you been drinkin'? [the Janitor is trying to solve J.D.'s riddle] Janitor: [to himself] Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake! Troy: Relax! I figured it out. [Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor] Janitor: Okay... You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents. J.D.: [voice-over] One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money. Turk: Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby? Carla: That depends, what are we talking about? [J.D. and Carla laugh] Elliot: [thinking] There's Dr. Kelso. Okay, you're chief resident now, so say hi. But don't stop, or you'll have to come up with something else to say, and you know you don't improvise well. Elliot: Hi, Dr. Kelso! Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid. [she stops] Elliot: I see you've trimmed your nose hair! [Dr. Kelso looks at her] [thinking] Frick on a stick! Carla: What do you do when you get scared? Dr. Cox: Run away, get a divorce, drink alone... You know, the classics. The thing is that, this time, I am killing myself for this woman, and I'm still getting my ass handed to me. Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know? Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck. Dr. Cox: Yeah, well, I'm not so sure. Carla: [encouraging] It'll come to you. Turk: [voice-over] It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. [Carla is escorting a patient, a boy named Ralphie, to Pediatrics] Carla: Come on, Ralphie. [he notices her engagement ring] Ralphie: I had that inside of me. Nurse Roberts: What, now? Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on. Ralphie: I swallowed that ring, and my dad had to wait for me to go Number Two. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut. [Carla gasps and drags Ralphie down the hall] Nurse Roberts: [to herself] Mm. Good show today. Elliot: My dad's coming in to town for a conference tomorrow. Carla: You don't seem that stressed out. Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days. J.D.: Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet. Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about. J.D.: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could. [the Janitor is running the hospital PA announcement system] Janitor: [over PA] Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means. [J.D. and Turk give each other a horrified look, and run off in opposite directions] J.D.: [thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me? Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done and I was a cutter for a week in high school. My shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that's a whole other story. The point is, your advice really worked with Jake and I'd really appreciate it if you would give me some more help. Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie, let me just finish writing this prescription and you'll be all squared away. [hands Elliot the prescription] Elliot: This is a prescription for 'no'. Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. To be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone. Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together! Dr. Cox: Then on behalf of men everywhere-and I do mean everywhere [makes a circle with his hands] -including the ones in the little mud huts, let me be the first to say thanks and yalleluah! Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to it's human side? Elliot: He doesn't have one. Carla: Exactly. But what does he have? Elliot: [grudgingly] A shaped chest, a closet full of tiny t-shirts, and the eyes of a madman. Dr. Cox: Ohhhhhh! I'm sorry, the correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego. [nodding] I have a giant ego! Elliot: Dammit! I knew that. Carla: Can you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat? Elliot: You're... amazing. Dr. Cox: And I'm in! Elliot: [makes a happy noise] Dr. Kelso: And I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget. Ted: Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department. I'm an attorney. Dr. Kelso: Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuf Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up? Ted: And you know what else? I quit! Dr. Kelso: No you don't! Ted: Well I'm leaving early today! Dr. Kelso: No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work! Ted: Fine, but I'm getting a soda first! Dr. Kelso: Whatever. Dr. Cox: [to J.D] Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person. [Dr. Cox explains his problems to J.D] Dr. Cox: There you are, superstar. Fix that. J.D.: Well, that's easy! Just tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel. Dr. Cox: Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real? J.D.: First of all, no-one understands relationships like Billy Joel, okay? "Uptown Girl" got me through high school - long story for another day. [Dr. Cox stands before a room of board members] Dr. Cox: I would like to make special mention of one intern here: John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely confident, and his enthusiasm - and his determination to always be better - is something I see in him twenty-four hours a day. He cares. Probably cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. Dr. Kelso: Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, Now that's a professional! Elliot: Um, Sir I don't think I look unprofessional. Dr. Kelso: I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup! Get a haircut! And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone! Chris Turk: Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off! Carla: Nice, while your mother lays there dying. Chris Turk: [to JD] Tell her. J.D.: His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together. Chris Turk: Because I love my mom. J.D.: Mm, and I would love her too. Chris Turk: I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable? Carla: And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats! Elliot: Hm! Can't believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman! Carla: Same job, different outfit. [Turk is trying to help J.D. break up with Danni] Chris Turk: Dude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single! Chasing tail! Hell, I miss it every day. Carla: Oh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you? Elliot: What are you doing in here? Janitor: It's... the men's room. Elliot: I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then... tried them, and found them... oddly comfortable... [Dr. Kelso greets a couple of orderlies who arrive with an occupied body bag on a gurney from a traffic accident] Dr. Kelso: Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body... or at least some garlic knots. Chris Turk: Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive. Dr. Kelso: I don't think so. [to the dead body] Miss Parker, you care to weigh in? [He bends down to listen at the head of the gurney] Dr. Kelso: Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two... except of course that a yellow light means to slow down. [He chuckles morbidly] [Turk is occupying Dr. Kelso's lunch spot] Dr. Kelso: Interesting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot... why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions. Chris Turk: You don't say. Dr. Kelso: [sighs] Simpler times. [J.D. is trying to break up with Danni over the phone while Carla enters] Carla: [to Nurse Roberts] How's he doing? Nurse Roberts: The boy's got no biscuits. Carla: Elliot... Have you been in the supply closet, crying? Elliot: Carla, I don't do that anymore! [Carla holds up the back of her metallic clipboard to Elliot so that she can see the trails her heavy black eye makeup has made down her cheeks] Elliot: Oh, my God! I look like Alice Cooper! [a strange smell appears during surgery] Dr. Wen: I don't know where that smell came from. Todd: Uh, sir? Dr. Wen: What is it, do you see something? Todd: Sir, I farted. That smell was from the fart that I made. Chris Turk: Dude. Dr. Wen: Get the Hell out of my O.R.! Dr. Kelso: Ted have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately? Ted: I wish I was dead J.D.: [voice over] I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law, [shot of Turk and Carla] or that cousin you have funny feelings for [shot of Elliot] , and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year. J.D.: Dr. Cox, If you want you can come down here and hang out with... Dr. Cox: Nobody talk, just drink. J.D.: Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol... just like Thanksgiving at home. Jordan: Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room. Elliot: Chas really cared for me. Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for, was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here... J.D.: [thinking] Oh, please God, no. Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye! Elliot: [to Jordan] And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle. Chris Turk: [to Carla] Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember? Nurse Roberts: I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts. Chris Turk: Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it! [the Todd has farted earlier in the O.R] Todd: Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together. Chris Turk: And yet you continue to eat chili. Todd: Dude I'm takin' the cheese off. [Elliot and Carla treat Maggie, a patient who wants to loose her virginity before dying] Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex? Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years. Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay _money_ for sex. Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though, my mom... She gets lonely. Elliot: [Elliot is giving J.D. a physical] Any shortness of breath, nausea or burning sensation while peeing? J.D.: No, no, and... does it count when it whistles? Elliot: Funny. Are you currently sexually active? J.D.: Oh, it's active all right. Elliot: I'll write rare dry spell in the margin. Elliot: Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day. J.D.: [J.D. looks over at Doug, all smiles, who's dialing the phone on the desk] What are you doing? Doug: [excited] I'm calling my dad! Mikey: [Flying around like an airplane] Eeeeeeeeehhhhh! I'm a pretty airplane! Board me! Eeeeeeeeehhhhh! Murray Marks: He's a little off. J.D.: He smells like fuel. Murray Marks: He's an airplane! [JD and Turk are trying, and failing, to reassure Elliot that they aren't obsessing over the orgasm she accidentally gave a patient during a pelvic exam] J.D.: Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that". Elliot: [smiling] Oh, I'm sure "you" haven't. Chris Turk: [laughing] See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman! [Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine] Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine. Carla: Please! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife... Dr. Cox: Would you please get off my ex-wife? Carla: I will if you will. [Cox breaks down laughing] Dr. Cox: Well... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you. [after Cox and Jordon had sex in an empty room, and called it having a 'conversation'] Carla: [sing-song] You still like her. Dr. Cox: Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room? Carla: That room's not empty. [Cox turns around to see a smiling patient] [about J.D] Dr. Cox: Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie? Carla: Oh, he got off your leash? Dr. Cox: [laughing] Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby? [Carla stares at him] Dr. Cox: Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second... [hits the table] Dr. Cox: ...and bam! They got a bucket on their head, and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV. [whispering remorsefully] Dr. Cox: God save me, it was barely out of the box. [Carla continues to stare at him] Dr. Cox: The point is... Newbie is my drunk baby. [Trying to explain to Elliot that he'd perfer not having a kid watch his dad's surgery, but can't say much since the kid is right there] Elliot: [In french] Do you speak french? Chris Turk: You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks. Elliot: [French] I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, ok? [Turk is lost] Chris Turk: [Bad French] I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants. Elliot: What? Chris Turk: [Bad French] Grapefruit! Chris Turk: Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock. Elliot: If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro. Carla: [gasps] I do think that! Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown? Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns. Elliot: I'm sorry, that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person. Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie. J.D.: [thinking] Then he said something I never expected to hear. Janitor: I don't like you. J.D.: [thinking] Not that I totally expected that. J.D.: I just Marcia Brady'd your ass. Chris Turk: What the hell are you talking about? J.D.: Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better... Chris Turk: Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch. Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party? J.D.: Is that a gay joke? Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair... J.D.: [thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him. Carla: [speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died. [the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern] J.D.: [thinking] Except that. Ben: I think you've got yourself a Christmas card right there. Jordan: Yeah, you're funny. Look, I don't understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown? Ben: [in English accent] Because I don't like people to see my bum. Jordan: So wear underwear. Ben: You know how I feel about underwear. Jordan: Every girl who came to our house in the mid-eighties knows how you feel about underwear. Ben: [laughs] The sweatpants years. J.D.: I don't like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets. J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I honestly think the only reason that you're not down at that hospital right now is that... you're afraid. Dr. Cox: I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well... I told you I was afraid earlier today... so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact... I'm the one who said them. Dr. Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was. J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so... Dr. Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job. Dr. Cox: They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good. Dr. Kelso: [threateningly, to Nurse Roberts, who is chuckling] What is so funny? Nurse Roberts: Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part. [much more threateningly] Why? Dr. Kelso: [Frightened] Uh, no reason. Dr. Cox: You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep. [to Jordan] Elliot: I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you'd probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox's place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge. Dr. Cox: You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you'd at least be serving a purpose - specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against - but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing. [pause] Dr. Cox: I know, it's a conundrum but don't you worry, I'll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, all right Shirley? Elliot: Dr. Cox! Dr. Cox: I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me. Elliot: I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me by sending me to Dr. Kelso. Dr. Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone. Elliot: I think we both know there's a little more to it than that. Dr. Cox: No, trust me, there's not. Listen, missie, I want you to spread the word. I've... had... enough! The next whiney intern coming to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aïsha, I'm going to hurt! [Dr. Cox jumps over the couch] Dr. Cox: And you, you one-man freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-psychologist, because if you are so stupid to confront the chief of medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel. Elliot: You're right, you're absolutely right. I have to learn to pick my battles. Thank you so much. [Elliot leaves the room] Dr. Cox: Y... you're welcome. [Elliot keeps talking at a patient with a wired jaw] Nurse: Did somebody here buzz for a nurse? Elliot: No. Nurse: [Looking at the patient] It looks like his eyes are screaming... [Jordan, his ex-wife] Dr. Cox: She's the devil, Newbie. Don't look in her eyes, she might steal your soul. J.D.: Who put this up? Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months. Dr. Cox: Well, gosh - I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, and so I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox. [starts laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does - chicks, money, power and chicks. J.D.: [after Janitor pops up behind him] Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time? Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal. Elliot: Do you want to be alone? J.D.: No. Elliot: Do you want to cry a little? J.D.: No. Elliot: Wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do? Carla: You know what your problem is? Dr. Cox: There are times when I put myself into situ... Carla: Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences. Dr. Cox: That's almost exactly what I was going to say. Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things". Dr. Kelso: She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute... I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries. Jordan: I don't dislike you, I nothing you. J.D.: That's special. [Elliot and JD are about to bungee jump, and JD is very nervous] Elliot: Come on, what's the worst that could happen? J.D.: We could die. Dr. Cox: Ah, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, *spawned* by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna *knock* him around, huh? [to the interns] As you were. Dr. Cox: Who're you? Janitor: Just a man with a saw. Dr. Cox: Yo, girl's name! J.D.: What? Dr. Cox: Gimme a break, Ellen, I got a lot on my mind, and look at that, I bounced back. J.D.: You know, when you stop being frightened, time really is on your side. And you can just go on being you. Dr. Kelso: [on phone in his office] Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house! [listens, smiling] Baring his teeth, huh?... OK, now here's whatcha do... Are you ready? [pauses, smiling] Make a sudden move! [barks, growls and screams are heard from the phone. Kelso hangs up, chuckling] Ahh, those two. J.D.: [after slamming his hand in the hinged counter] Aaaah! My 'me time' hand! Dr. Cox: You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless. Dr. Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz... Dr. Cox: I... beg your pardon? Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound! Dr. Kelso: [Dr. Kelso just found out Turk cut off the plug of the Pacman machine] I know it was you. Chris Turk: [waving the plug around] You mean this right here? It's mine from home. Dr. Kelso: Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died. Todd: [Todd is playing Pacman] Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl. Chris Turk: Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first. Chris Turk: Ankles is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses. J.D.: [to Turk] Okay, fine. Let's just play... Tip Over the Trashcan. [He tips over the trashcan] J.D.: Okay, I win. Janitor: Can I play? [Janitor knocks JD's stack of folders to the floor] Janitor: This is fun. J.D.: Yeah. Chris Turk: Let's play Steak. J.D.: What? Chris Turk: Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak. Janitor: Hey, Idiot. [J.D. turns around] Janitor: Heh. I said idiot and you turned around. J.D.: It's hard to take positive steps, when you've burned the bridge you got to walk across. J.D.: You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'? Carla: I don't know. [Turk passes by] J.D.: Catch you later... my brutha. Chris Turk: I'll holla. J.D.: [to Carla] He said, he'll holler... Dr. Cox: [on the phone] Sure, Jordan, you can take over the master bathroom. Just make sure you leave my sleeping pills out. So that I could, you know, swallow about 300 of them... Lisa: [after kissing J.D] Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you having a good time? J.D.: Actually, it's a roll of quarters. [takes out roll of quarters] Laundry day. [Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems] Dr. Cox: I don't know what the hell she wants. Chris Turk: I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants. J.D.: My peeps are on the frits. Dr. Cox: What? Chris Turk: Whoa. J.D.: No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits... Chris Turk: Yeah, right. Dr. Cox: God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything. Chris Turk: Dude... [Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D] Janitor: Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar. [empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table] Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits. [Elliot can't find an apartment] Carla: How you doing? Elliot: I'm exhausted. I mean, I'm just one person. At least Turk has you to pick up the slack when it gets too bad. Carla: You'd think so. [Elliot's cell phone rings but she ignores it] Carla: Aren't you gonna answer that? Elliot: Nah, that's just Todd. He keeps calling me and asking if I want to move into his pants. J.D.: Hey, Perry... Dr. Cox: Perry? J.D.: Yeah, it's a new thing I'm trying. So, Perry, I was wondering if you knew that I have a date this weekend? Dr. Cox: Really? Well, newbie, I'm glad that you finally found a woman who enjoys the benefits of a same sex relationship. Janitor: Scooter! J.D.: Huh? Janitor: Your nickname will be scooter. J.D.: I don't get it. Janitor: Like Scooter Pies. I *hate* Scooter Pies! J.D.: Oh... now I get it. Old Doctor: [upon delivering a baby] Ahh, it's a bouncing baby boy. Another ready soldier in the war against communism. Dr. Cox: Newbie, stay. Stay. Bad newbie. That's a very bad newbie. [Dr. Cox and Jordan are fighting] J.D.: [thinks] This is bad. I got to stop this. I got to say something. [out loud] Banana Hammock. J.D.: [internal] I think childbirth has been way too romanticized. [cut to a 1950s era informational film with JD and the soon-to-be parents] J.D.: You'll fart, poop, pee, and scream, all in front of ten complete strangers, all of whom are staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 per cent chance of tearing. Pregnant Wife: [to her husband] You do it. Carla: You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done playing racquetball or having a conversation or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep. Dr. Cox: It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings. Dr. Kelso: Perry. Dr. Cox: BeelzeBob. J.D.: Can you get that for me? I can't reach it. Janitor: Is this some kind of trick to get me off your back? I mean, I owe you one. J.D.: No, I really need it. Janitor: OK, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop harassing you for about a year. J.D.: OK, I want that. Janitor: Too late. Todd: Why won't any women talk to me? Attractive nurse: Because you're slimy and you turn everything into a double entendre. Todd: I do not. [Attractive nurse leaves, Todd stares at Turk] Chris Turk: Go ahead. Todd: I'd like to double her entendre. Todd: [to J.D., about Elliot] So, what are her breasts like? Elliot: Todd, I'm right here. Todd: Oh, sorry... So, what are your breast like? Dr. Cox: Hey, newbie. What's up? J.D.: Everything. Everything's up. Dr. Kelso: Rise and shine, Dr. Dorian. [J.D. gulps] Todd: Hey, how's your penis? [continues walking] J.D.: [thinking] Don't worry, he says that to everybody. [stops and waits] Todd: [to another doctor] Hey, how's your penis? [Somebody streaked in the hospital] Chris Turk: I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up J.D.: He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut. J.D.: Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime. Dr. Kelso: Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end. Dr. Cox: Doc, Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it, and he thanked me and said he owed me one. Cox's shrink: You're telling me that you actually made a decision that had a positive impact on your life? Dr. Cox: Well, a resident [J.D] kinda talked me into it. Cox's shrink: You mean to tell me that you actually took the advice of another human being? This is a big moment for me. Dr. Cox: Yuh-huh. Cox's shrink: Well, by God, Perry, if there is a person in that hell-hole of a hospital that can give you advice, keep that person around you for as long as possible. Because, that person is a genius. [Cut to J.D in an elevator, singing and dancing] J.D.: Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting! / [pause] Those kicks were fast as lightning! Todd: I have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor... I'm gonna go try and stop it. J.D.: Time to take the GR off my Gratitude and give that old bastard some Attitude, J.D. style. [Walks off] Carla: His office is that way. J.D.: Yeah, I have to throw up first. Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times? Dr. Cox: Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks. J.D.: Why aren't you using the mop I bought you? Janitor: I didn't like it. J.D.: But you cried! Janitor: No, that was you. [drags wet mop over JD's face] Chris Turk: Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir? Dr. Kelso: I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up. Elliot: C'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass. [JD turns to Turk and Carla] J.D.: And that my friends is one nerdy honky. [Turk to Carla] Chris Turk: That's two. J.D.: What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex. J.D.: Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long. [to Dr. Cox] J.D.: And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE. [to Carla and Turk] J.D.: And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it? [to Elliot] J.D.: And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are. [JD storms out of the cafeteria, passing Nurse Roberts] Nurse Roberts: Did I miss something good? [after sleeping with a widow] J.D.: There are a lot of ways to grieve, but last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them. [while inspecting a suspicious mole on the Janitor's penis] J.D.: Hmm... it looks benign. Janitor: Yeah, 'bout nine, nine and half. [JD was cooing to a baby] Dr. Cox: Newbie, I know your ovaries are ahab-solutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella but you gotta snap out of it. J.D.: Oh, I have to get to the funeral. Dr. Cox: Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you? [explaining to Jordan] Her husband was in a coma so long that she actually forgot what an attractive male looks like. Enter Errol Flynn here, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her, but since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off, mmmmhmmmm? Dr. Cox: So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here's the problem, newbie, it ain't my problem. [Dr. Cox, explaining why he dislikes Julie, the drug rep] Dr. Cox: [whispering]Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went and put about a 600% markup on it. [laughs] But hey, the only ones get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company *damn* sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, well that just means you don't care either, and that's pretty much what's making me sick, that's all. [an overweight patient has not been losing weight, despite Dr Cox's orders] Dr. Cox: Lemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya? Carla: Well? Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question? Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that? Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night. Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate? Jordan: Again, last night! Carla: You've gone soft. Jordan: [Gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky. Dr. Cox: Shower shorts, newbie? J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to. Elliot: Frick on a stick with a brick! [Elliot gave J.D. a rough examination] Elliot: I heard you're telling everyone I violated you. J.D.: Not everyone. Just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents. J.D.: Dr. Cox... Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'. J.D.: See ya. Elliot: Mr. Bragen, it is so great to see you back in the hospital. Mr. Bragen: Woo-hoo. I've got a tube in my penis. Elliot: Dr. Cox! Dr. Cox: And there you are! Elliot: Huh? Dr. Cox: I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine... and there you are. [Carla has stood up for JD against Dr Cox] Dr. Cox: Oh, and Ginger, by the way - just a real smooth move runnin' to your mommy. J.D.: Excuse me? Dr. Cox: Yeah, your mommy cah-rushed me today. I'm serious. [to the various doctors and patients in the busy hospital] Dr. Cox: Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. FYI, JD's mommy has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want her daughter picked on. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower, and we should all be super-nice to her. Paul Flowers: Sometimes it feels like you're holding back. Elliot: Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit-stains, well I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-phobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves I almost killed the guy who's leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'Cos my Dad had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy? Todd: Show Todd some love. [high fives J.D., who winces in pain] J.D.: [thinking] I hate showing Todd love. Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I... do I smell beer? J.D.: Uh, we... we, uh, we had a few. Dr. Cox: Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots. Dr. Cox: Oh and [Whistles] Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition J.D.: I was just running kissing drills. Dr. Cox: Oh, that is completely normal then. [to toddler Jack, at his parent's wedding-like divorce ceremony] Carla: You have no chance of being normal. J.D.: It's the kid inside of us that keeps us all from going crazy. J.D.: It's funny, I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves. Carla: Yes I'll have an espresso, please and... [looks at menu] What kind of scones do you have today? Yuppie: Ahem. [Carla continues looking] Son of a bitch. Do you mind lady? I am in a rush. Carla: [Turning around] Oh, my goodness I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you so much. [continues to look at menu] J.D.: Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around. [Todd offers a high-five to J.D] J.D.: What the hell, he deserves it. [Todd high-fives J.D., who winces in pain] J.D.: Mother-f [cuts into title song] J.D.: Elliot, come on. You're living out of a van like a homeless person... or Jewel. Dr. Cox: [whistles] Let's go, field trip. Chris Turk: I got things to do, you know. [still, he follows Dr. Cox] Dr. Cox: Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts! Chris Turk: Carla put you up to this? Dr. Cox: No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around. [Turk gives him a look] Dr. Cox: [firm] Turn around. [Turk does turn around, and the two look into the observation window of a patient in the I.C.U. The family is gathered around the bed as Dr. Wen speaks to them] Dr. Cox: You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And... sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing. Carla: What are you guys talking about? Chris Turk: Nothing, guy talk. J.D.: Bitches and Hoes. J.D.: [thinking] Just tell him how you feel without sounding like a girl for once. [to Turk] I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. [J.D. faces a burnt-faced Dr. Kelso, who has just had hot coffee splashed on his face] J.D.: [Thinking] Oh my God, do not say splotchy. J.D.: Good splotchy Dr. Splotchy. Dr. Kelso: Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it. J.D.: He died? Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so otherwise that autopsy is going to be a bitch. J.D.: [to himself, as Dr. Cox stands next to him at a urinal] Okay, just act natural. (out loud) Hey, Dr. Cox. Takin' a whiz? [J.D. is talking to a patient with a coma, describing his hardships] Coma Guy: Yeah, that's rough... I'm in a coma. I've had an itch on my foot for the last eight months. Doug: Hey, Klaus, I got a question for you: why is it in your country that Hamburg and Frankfurt have nothing to do with hamburgers and hot dogs? Janitor: [In german voice] Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with boobs and poop? J.D.: You're an actor. Janitor: You're a fireman... What are we doing? [Turk is talking about a rival surgeon] Chris Turk: Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse. J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat. Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie? Elliot: [to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you. J.D.: Not entirely unlike a... ninja. J.D.: I can't believe you lost our bottle opener. Chris Turk: Yeah, I know. [quoting JD from earlier] Chris Turk: I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes. J.D.: You're a bad person. [to J.D. and Elliot] Dr. Cox: Ah, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of the year when you two crazy kids throw all caution to the wind and make sweet, ellbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naughtay. Elliot: Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment and I was just needing a place to stay... Dr. Cox: ...so you went over to your friend's house and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo-wah - and you of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex, the end. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long? Nurse Roberts: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories. Dr. Cox: No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient. J.D.: Now what's that supposed to mean? Patient: [Tackling J.D. from out of nowhere, shouting] Who am I? [Turk shows his new interns the patient list] Chris Turk: This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart... J.D.: This one needs courage. Chris Turk: Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting? Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something. [shot of J.D and Elliot facing each other... Elliot walks away with neither of them saying a word] [after allowing Dr. Kelso to slip] Janitor: I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No... because you're unconscious. Dr. Kelso: Hey, guess what has two thumbs and *still* doesn't give a crap? [Points at his face with his thumbs] Dr. Kelso: Bob Kelso! I think we've met... J.D.: But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too. Janitor: Ok, look. Attention, roof poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure you all live to regret this day - let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else there is a toilet on the roof... [Todd enters] Janitor: ...there is NOT a toilet on the roof! Todd: But you just said there was! Janitor: No, yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor- that means God is watching us. You heard this... there's a toilet... on the roof. Am I right, people? [Bystanders agree] Todd: Cool. [Makes cross sign and leaves] Elliot: Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye. J.D.: Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern... Snoop Dogg Intern: Where my hoes at? J.D.: I haven't seen them. Ted: [shouting on the phone] You want to quit? Then quit! But you, sir, are a worthless peon and you will *always* be a worthless peon! [hangs up] Ted: Sir, you know my band, The Worthless Peons? Well, Chris from Shipping & Receiving wants to go solo! If we lose him, we'll lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair! What do you think I should do? Dr. Kelso: Ted, you know my rule about personal problems - I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife. [hands Ted a file] Dr. Kelso: Do lawyer stuff to that. [about Dr. Cox] Dr. Kelso: And I'll be damned if he doesn't disagree with everything I say just because I said it. J.D.: Sir, I don't think that's true. [Kelso turns over] Dr. Kelso: It's hotter than hell in here, Perry! Dr. Cox: Freezing! Dr. Kelso: Great coffee, though! Dr. Cox: Rat piss! Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up! Dr. Cox: No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with. Dr. Kelso: [to J.D] Your witness. Dr. Kevin Casey: It's been four hours since my last surgery, I just can't stop washing my hands... [grunts] Dr. Kevin Casey: This is a secret... no one is suppose to know about this. Ok? J.D.: Okay, no problem. Dr. Kevin Casey: I just don't want to tell anyone, this is my problem, no one should ever burden it on someone else... J.D.: [voice over] He was right, I couldn't do it... Dr. Kevin Casey: You need help JD? J.D.: No, nothing... [voiceover] J.D.: None of us needed help... Ted: I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out. [a woman with her son comes over to Dr. Cox and Jordan and starts talking to their son, Jack] Woman: Hi, cutie! Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with. Dr. Cox: Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain-smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand, would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice. Jordan: Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him Brantley. Dr. Cox: Yeah. J.D.: [voiceover] I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way - by touching everything in his first patient's room. Dr. Kevin Casey: [touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink... Dr. Kelso: [enters room] J.D.: Everything. Dr. Kevin Casey: [touches Dr. Kelso's nose] Dr. Kelso: Oh, well I suppose that's how they say hello in Cuckoo town. The patients on this wing have been complaining about hearing strange noises. Dr. Kevin Casey: If it's bink I can explain. Dr. Kelso: It's not bink. J.D.: Is it I come from the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? That wasn't me. Dr. Kelso: Just figure it out, dammit! Dr. Kelso: [leaves] Dr. Kevin Casey: Do you plunder? J.D.: I have been known to. Chris Turk: Awww... Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag? J.D.: Why don't you use Power Rangers? Chris Turk: How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco? J.D.: Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed? Chris Turk: How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman! J.D.: Power Rangers ho! [Standing next to J.D. and Dr. Kelso] Dr. Cox: Goodness gracious, suddenly I'm getting the most intense headache. Let me see if this relieves the pain. [grabs J.D. and shoves him in between him and Kelso] Dr. Cox: Better! [pushes J.D. away] Dr. Cox: Worse! [Pulls him back] Dr. Cox: Better! [and away again] Dr. Cox: Worse! Oh, I could do this all day. [standing up for Carla] Chris Turk: Dr. Kelso, how is it that you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night just so you didn't lose it? Dr. Kelso: How do you know that? Chris Turk: Because I'm the homeboy you screamed at to get my ghetto-mobile of the road. [mimicking Dr. Cox in front of him] J.D.: [whistles] Here's the deal, Eleonore. We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So while drop an NG2 and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order order on EKG with cardio-bio-markers? If you need to know where those are, they are on page 37 of the Ann Teller catalogue, right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order, because you worried the weave is so thin, your nipples just might go ahead and peak their pink selves through! Isn't that right, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cooox! Dr. Cox: [mimicking the J.D. daydream stare] Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets. Dr. Kelso: Son, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late? Dr. Cox: Noooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing. Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things properly at eight! Dr. Cox: I don't want to hear anything out of that man's mouth other than Oh no, I'm dying, there's a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I'm in hell! Hitler, Musollini... Captain Kangaroo? That's not right. Elliot: Thanks again for helping me look for Carla. Janitor: No problem. I'll check the dumpster. Elliot: ...We're not looking for *dead* Carla. Janitor: Atta girl. You stay optimistic. J.D.: Hey there, research buddy! Dr. Cox: We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision. J.D.: [hits a bell] Things Jordan says during sex! [drops giant stack of carefully sorted files]... there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone. Dr. Cox: [hits a bell] Things you say when you talk to your patients. Carla: Christopher! Chris Turk: Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex? Carla: Sometimes. Carla: [helping a bruised J.D] So how far over the creek did you make it? J.D.: I don't know the exact distance in terms of feet and inches but in my own terms I would have to say... about half way. Dr. Cox: [strolling by] Don't stop paddling, Amy. You are sure in for the Little Girl X-Games. Elliot: Position one, two or three? J.D.: We only had two. Elliot: Oh yeah. Then I have to show you something later. Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Cox] I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the comedian at that strip joint in Reno... I'm not here for the jokes. [to Jordan, about why it's important for them to fight] Dr. Cox: You're a wonderful and passionate person, and that's why I can see myself with you when I'm 70 and you're 65 and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29. Jordan: My face will never look 40. Dr. Cox: Jordan! Get out of bed. We have a wedding to go to. Jordan: Perry, Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty. It's just you and me... let's take a nap, we'll sleep through the ceremony and then go to the reception! Dr. Cox: Can we at least have sex? Jordan: [puts on sleeping mask] Do what you have to, don't wake me. Doug: [being filmed for a wedding video] I'll have to agree with Chad. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome. This is an awesome wedding and I'm having an awesome time and you two are gonna have an awesome life. Awesome! Dr. Kelso: [drunk at Turk and Carlas wedding reception] Ahh, Dr. Turkleton! Chris Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk. Dr. Kelso: That's your first name! Chris Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton? Dr. Kelso: [to Carla]... and Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Hehehe... [to bartender] Give me a scotch. Jordan: [to Cox] I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me, Jimmies mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody out to Chucky Cheese! Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy all this new-agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. And d'you know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party. Carla: Dr Cox... why is your mouth red? Dr. Cox: Duct tape, two hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor. End of story. Dr. Kelso: I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think? Dr. Cox: I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin! Dr. Kelso: Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically. Dr. Cox: I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion, you know? Janitor: Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone jam around about their lifes, I'd be at my AA meeting now. Dr. Cox: Listen there, scrub-brush. It just so happens that this was the only empty seat in the whole joint and besides, as a fellow abusive drinker you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth. Dr. Miller: Listen, if Dr. Kelso had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left staring at an imaginary woman's chest as she was trying to make a point. Dr. Cox: Oh I'm, I'm sorry, it's my fault. That dress just screams, Respect me as a doctor! Elliot: But if the ceremony's in spanish, how will I know when you guys are married? Carla: We all shoot off our guns and throw tortillas in the air. Elliot: Really? Oh, I wish I was was ethnic. Elliot: I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do? J.D.: Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him. Chris Turk: *Or,* it's a simple surgery. J.D.: Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face! Elliot: Cut me the hell up. J.D.: Dammit! Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults. Dr. Cox: How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins! J.D.: [butting in] will there be a piñata? Because I need to know if I should bring my piñata helmet. Jordan: Up-up-bah! The only reason we invited you is because for *some* reason, you have your own Spongebob Squarepants Costume! J.D.: It was a gift! [voice-over] J.D.: From me, to me! J.D.: Hey, where's my fuzzy for my 3 wood? Chris Turk: [naked] It's on my 9 wood. Todd: The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender. J.D.: I am not addicted to Journey Chris Turk: [singing] She's just a small-town girl... J.D.: [singing] Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere. J.D.: [thinking] Oh, my God, I just said slave to my black girlfriend! J.D.: Ben... you have leukaemia. Ben: [after a pause] That sucks. J.D.: Yeah. Ben: [to JD] Ya know something? *You* have slept with both of my sisters. So that means that you and I have something in common. Ben: Hey, JD, my sister, Danni, is more of a gentle kisser, don't you think? But I find that Jordan is a little bit more on the lines of teeth and tongue and fangs. [hisses] Dr. Cox: [explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions! [turns away, then turns back] Oh, and Hugh Jackman. J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he! J.D.: [Driving circles around The Janitor] Ring around the janitor, pocket full of... Janitor: Pocket full of what J.D.: ZANitor Janitor: That's not a word J.D.: Oh, Mrs. Grodberg, JZILBEK is not a word Mrs. Grodberg: But I'm still beating you... J.D.: Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins. J.D.: [thinks] Half a brain, dammit! Dr. Cox: [walking quickly through the cafeteria] I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible... Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox? Dr. Cox: Awww, dammmit! Dr. Cox: [whispering, to Turk] You stole my moment... and you will pay. [discussing an argument between Elliot and Alex, an attractive social worker J.D. is dating] Chris Turk: So, who'd you side with? J.D.: Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away. Chris Turk: Smooth. J.D.: Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered in your heart, so I'm going to schedule a pericardial centesis and drain it with a needle. Mr. Daniels: Someone's going to stick a needle in my chest? J.D.: Not just someone; Dr. Daman Mr. Daniels: Who's Dr. Daman? J.D.: ...Say it - -say it without the Dr. Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. Daman J.D.: No, just say the last name. Mr. Daniels: Who's Da Man? J.D.: I'M THE MAN! [laughs] It was awesome - it was fun doing that with you. [J.D. is sitting next to David Copperfield in the bar] J.D.: What's that I see in your ear...? Pa-ZOW! [J.D. fumbles with a coin, as he magically produces it from Mr. Copperfield's ear] David Copperfield: [unimpressed] Cool, a coin. J.D.: Do you want it? [Copperfield takes the coin... ] David Copperfield: Here, you have it. [... and motions to drop it into J.D.'s palm. With a bit of a flourish, the coin disappears. J.D. laughs with awe] David Copperfield: [mocking] Haw-haw! Magic! Elliot: [after spending the day flashing her breasts at male patients to make them better] I have magic breasts. [Turk explains Papa Smurf's version of leadership] Chris Turk: Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf. J.D.: Presentation, inspiration, and fear? Chris Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word black, even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss... and we hug... and we apologize for all the things we said... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas! Dr. Cox: Boy oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy! And trust me, he'll make ya pay. Dr. Clock: Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I'll bet he's a sweetheart. Dr. Cox: No no, underneath it all, he is pure evil. Dr. Clock: Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center. Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people, here, on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and on the inside! Dr. Clock: So they'd have more of a nougaty center? Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine. Dr. Clock: [rubbing Dr. Cox's stomach and speaking in a sing-song voice] I'm touching your creamy center! Dr. Cox: [while JD is coming up behind Dr. Cox] Oh, I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong. [JD sneaks away while ominous music plays] Dr. Kelso: Perry, what's our plan of attack? Dr. Cox: When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation. Dr. Kelso: I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves. Dr. Cox: [intrigued] Uh-huh. Janitor: [while JD is coming up behind the Janitor] I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you. [JD sneaks away while ominous music plays] Janitor: He's near... J.D.: [thinking] Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. J.D.: You hear about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had noBODY to go with. Neena: A ha ha ha! That's really funny! J.D.: [thinking] Oh that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious. Dr. Cox: I... I'm sorry. Um... crazy person says what? Jordan: [angry] What? Dr. Cox: Atta girl. [nods] Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer? Chris Turk: I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wus'UP Dr. Cox: Oh, my God! I just gagged and vomited at the same time. I gavomited. Chris Turk: Woman, I was covered in BEES! J.D.: What an odd-sized explosion... Chris Turk: [being forced to take Elliot to the Honey Festival] I love large groups of white people eating pollen. J.D.: Oh my God, the janitor's afraid of Carla! How can I use this to my advantage? [Cut to a fantasy where Carla is confronting the janitor] Carla: Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do. And bring him a fruit smoothie every day! Janitor: [In Spanish] Would he like strawberry or banana? Carla: [In Spanish]... Purple tree car with cheese. Janitor: [In Spanish] LIAR! [He removes her mask, revealing J.D] J.D.: Feliz Navidad... [He retreats. Cut back to reality] J.D.: I'd have to learn Spanish. [Carla's assisting Turk in surgery] Chris Turk: Scalpel. Carla: Scalpel what? Chris Turk: Scalpel, please. Carla: Here you go, baby. Sorry: Dr. Baby. [She giggles. Dr. Wen interrupts] Dr. Wen: [to Turk] Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby? Dr. Cox: By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments. Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it. Dr. Kelso: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't schedule love. Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ. Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore, I've mastered the language. Dr. Clock: Gracias, Señor. Dr. Kelso: You're welcomo. J.D.: Ahh. Uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home... Elliot: If there's one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's to never antagonize your boss or the people who makes the food, because you end up eating poo. Janitor: [Dr. Cox took Janitor's camera and ripped out the film] Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family. Dr. Cox: [to a teen who has stopped taking her epilepsy medication] If this continues, you will be dead. And I'm not talking about the "Oh, my God, if I don't get invited to the prom, I'm going to die" type of dead, I'm talking *dead*, dead. Is that clear enough for you? Because if it's not, I could of course text you on my Blackberry or my Blueberry or my Chuck Berry... although technically Chuck Berry is a blackberry... the point is, you gotta stop wasting everyone's time and grow up. Is that clear to you, sweetheart? Dr. Cox: [about Doug] I swear, that young man has killed so many people, I'm starting to think he just might be a government agent. Janitor: Now, to me, that sounds like your fault... Shocking? [J.D. walks away] Where ya going? Stay and play! J.D.: I have a quick legal question. What if... hypothetically... Ted: Oh, God, you killed someone! J.D.: No! Ted: Someone else did? Dr. Cox: If I have to see one more broken down piece of equipment, one more Gomer who is shuffled back and forth between some godforsaken home, one more patient who is denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I... There are times when I'm all by myself and I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can't make myself catch on fire like the Human Torch. And mark my words, newbie, if I ever pull it off, I will be back to destroy this place. J.D.: I used to like the Silver Surfer. Hang ten! Dr. Kelso: Nothing worth having comes easy. Todd: So, once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game. Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos. [referring to a huge influx of patients because of a news report on E.coli] J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do? Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV induced panic there is - poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, and quite frankly every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicated with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this - narrow it down to two symptoms; vomiting and diarrhea. Cause it's just not E.coli unless [walking away, miming] it's firing out of both exits. J.D.: [to Elliot] Certainly hope I don't have Dog Flu. [classroom full of residents are unruly and not paying attention to Dr. Cox. The entire room suddenly becomes silent at the sight of Dr. Cox fuming] J.D.: Uh-oh. Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I [pointing at self] am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five. Janitor: Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine. Randall: Burn down her apartment. Troy: I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat. Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys. J.D.: [after learning Kylie has a boyfriend] Ahh! I can't believe it's over. Chris Turk: Dude, it might not be that serious. There might be a window, but you have to get in there and fish for information. [getting more excited] Okay, you do *not* want to lose this hottie! She is a slamming hottie! And you do not... Carla: Turk... Chris Turk: Sorry. J.D.: I got this. Baby, you know you're his world! Bouncer: Okay, you're in. J.D.: Word. Bouncer: Uh! You're out. Chris Turk: Let me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle. Bouncer: You out, too. Dr. Cox: Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy. Elliot: A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need. Carla: Who put my stapler on the floor? [as she bends over to pick it up, Todd peeks from the corner] Todd: [sing-song] Thong! [Carla slaps him] Face five. Oh, yeah! [giving an orientation lecture to the new interns] Ted: And if you perform while under the influence... don't tell the patient. Unless they're dead, and in that case, if you're sure... very, very sure... you can tell them anything. [Turk threatens to sue Dr. Kelso] Dr. Kelso: I can make little Dr. Turk action figures. They'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it goes "I don't like these posters of me!" Isn't that right, Ned? Ted: Oh, definitely, sir. But... from a legal standpoint, you'd be somewhat vulnerable... Dr. Kelso: How vulnerable? Ted: Sir, that law suit would be over so quickly I would advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer back to his place. Dr. Kelso: Come here, Tom. Ted: Actually, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been twelve years. Todd: That was really big of you to take the blame for Elliot. Just yesterday I really wanted to spank her. Chris Turk: Why, did she mess up a patient for you, too? Todd: No. Dr. Cox: [to J.D] Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall in which you're leaning against, of course, then you would be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it, I'll tackle that one right upstairs. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work, and right about now, even though you don't have your basket, its just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley... skip away... skip away... skip away, skip, skip, skip to my loo, woohoo! Janitor: Door is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open. J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there. Janitor: Why a penny? J.D.: No reason. Janitor: You stick a penny in there? J.D.: No, I was just making small talk. Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down. Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched. Carla: Aw, that is so sweet. Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is... J.D.: What about his subconscious? Dr. Cox: [leaning down to the patients ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy. [he rears back and puts his dukes up. Nothing happens. He turns to JD] I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk. Janitor: [Janitor wants to go out with Elliot and asks Ted for advice] How did you get a girlfriend? Ted: I became friends with her best friend. Janitor: How'd you do that? Ted: I pretended to be her dad and rented her a car. Ted: [Janitor looks surprised] I lost my hair in the 8th grade. Dr. Kelso: I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words. Dr. Cox: Oh! Yawn. Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me. Dr. Cox: Wow! Seriously? Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Dr. Cox: Not interested. Dr. Kelso: I didn't ask if you were interested. Dr. Cox: Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night. Dr. Kelso: Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page! Dr. Cox: Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here? Dr. Kelso: [coldly] Ted's not an impressive man. Ted: Hey...! That - Ah, he's right. Dr. Kelso: Sweet dancing Jehovah! I've punctured my brain. Dr. Cox: You're still here? I thought you'd be gone off continuing on what ever wayward journey your on. Dan: I just wanted to say a few things to you, Perry. I've never been much of a good example to my brother... Johnny will never look up to me, but when I see you two together he hangs on every word you say as if it's his entire world. If you ever let him down you'll answer to me. Todd: Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident here he wants to make things clear so you don't have to wonder any more. [points at each of the women] Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and... yes, if I've been drinkin'. Nurse Roberts: Come here, wonder bread. Todd: What's up, doll? Nurse Roberts: If you come this close again I will end you. Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty. Dr. Kelso: Ketchup is for winners, Ted! J.D.: [to his interns] Now... that tumor's looking so big... it's beginning to look like a threemor... [laughs stupidly] [JD and Turk are walking outside the hospital when a computer falls from the building and lands in front of them; Dr. Cox is sticking his body out a high story window] Dr. Cox: Sorry, girls, I seemed to have dropped my computer... meh-ya. [JD is standing at the reception office when Dr. Cox walks into the hospital] J.D.: Dr. Cox, can I ask you something? Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan. J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones... [inner monologue] but words will hurt me forever. Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these Man Cards. You deserve it. J.D.: Wow... Wanna hug? Dr. Cox: [taking the card back] You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you? Dr. Cox: I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you. J.D.: I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy? Dr. Cox: [snatching one of the cards] Thank you. J.D.: Dammit! Dr. Cox: Listen up, little piggy. You open up this door in the next three seconds, or I will start huffing and puffing. J.D.: But Dr. Cox, I... [Dr. Cox puffs out his cheeks, and holds up one finger, then two... ] J.D.: Okay, okay, okay! Janitor: [JD is at the reception desk, sad] Girl problems? J.D.: How did you know? Janitor: Well, you look like you've got problems, you're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails. [Slams down hinged door] Dr. Kelso: [after wanting rounds back] Dr. Cox, could I talk to you for a second? Dr. Cox: Okay, Bobbo. But you're just gonna have to put your hand up like the other interns. Dr. Kelso: Please? Dr. Cox: Come on now, Bobbo. You've got five good ones right there. Just put 'em in the air like you just don't care. Dr. Kelso: Get here right now! Ted: Yes... no... I'm barely here, sir. Ted: [to Kelso] Walk off, bitch! Dr. Cox: How is it, exactly, that you just said that & your pants are still dry? Ted: Don't you understand what you did when you addressed those interns?... You took away the fear! You... are a wonderful man... and... I love you. Ted: I'll never get a raise without the help of senior staff like yourself. Dr. Kelso: Not a chance, Ted. Ted: Well you did what you could. Elliot: J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJ's, and watch "Grey's Anatomy"? J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV. [Turk is using an endoscope to find a hernia inside a patient] Bonnie: We're so lost. Turk: We're not lost. Bonnie: Go left, here. Turk: It's a right. Bonnie: You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions! Turk: Do you want to drive this thing? 'Cause I will pull - I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing! Dr. Cox: Honestly, I haven't been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard... But I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth... And... th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they'd ever seen. So, maybe the fact that I am the kinder, gentler Cox is every last bit of okay. Maybe it's a... a natural progression. It's not like there's any real ramifications... [laughs]... right? Dr. Cox: I don't have any answers for any of you - now please leave me alone. Gloria: But my boyfriend is bi-curious and wants me to pick his lovers for him! Dr. Cox: Okay, I do have an answer for that... Eww...? Nurse Roberts: Why don't you try some of my world famous deviled eggs? Dr. Cox: No thanks, I already had diarrhea today. Dr. Cox: [talking to J.D. and Elliot who have been promoted to co-chief residents] You have a bunch of monkey interns. It's your job as co-chief residents to catch whatever they're flinging! Random Nurse: You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo. Todd: In your endo. Janitor: [Janitor, Todd, Laverne, and Ted are all mad at Carla and ominous music plays as the walk by] Guys, we're supposed to be giving the evil eye here and I'm the only one doing it. Ted you're giving sad eye! Ted: It's all I've got! Janitor: Now try it again. [they all stare with "evil eye"] Janitor: That's better. Todd, great commitment. Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad. J.D.: [J.D refused to watch over a patient, resulting in Dr Cox being unable to go to a dinner with his ex-wife. He sees Jordan approaching] [voice over] J.D.: Oh no! If Jordan finds out it was me who screwed up her date she'll give me the evil eye and twist my nipples off. J.D.: [she gives him the evil eye] [voice over] J.D.: Oh no, she knows! [his hands fly to his nipples] Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot? J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer. Dr. Cox: [Dr. Kelso gives him a latte] Boy oh boy, you are really digging the heck out of this "secret friendship" thing. Dr. Kelso: Well, it has all the thrills of an affair without all that exhausting sex. Janitor: Sorry guys. We won't be going out tonight. Ted: Oh man. I ironed my going out hair! Dr. Cox: I need you to come upstairs and talk to a young black girl who will not let me call her mom. Turk: Why would she listen to me? Dr. Cox: I may have told her you were Kayne West. Turk: I'm actually alright with that. Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke! [about the tattoo on his ass that says 'Johnny'] Dr. Kelso: And Johnny's got a tattoo on his left cheek that says 'Bobbie'. Brian Dancer: ...I bet he doesn't regret that at all. |
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